Inner and Outer Journey

A little over a year ago a friend and I walked through the Morton Arboretum on a warm summer day.  As we walked and took in the sights and sounds of the flora and fauna, this very new yet wise friend started gently asking me some questions.  They were questions that had long been at the back of my mind but questions that I never allowed myself to really answer.  He challenged me in the most encouraging and empowering way to find a way to answer this question that I had asked myself perhaps hundreds of time over the previous 15 years: Is God calling me to be a pastor?

As I have reflected, the outer and the inner journey to this place have become clear.  It is the inner journey that made the outer journey possible and made it make sense. 

The outward journey included so much of my life experiences culminating in getting to try out ministry- working in a church, teaching, learning about theology, engaging in work that allowed me to both show the Gospel to those in need and share the Gospel in words with those who needed to hear it. 

While so much of these experiences and ministry shaped me ultimately it was seeing a deep brokenness in another person that unveiled my own deep brokenness.  My brokenness isn’t as physically evident and hasn’t manifested itself in quite the same way as I saw in this person, but at the end of the day we are all broken.  While grasping my own brokenness I leaned into the tension created by the hope, life, and transformation I have experienced in my own life through my faith in and love of God. 

And I was left longing for more, to go deeper, to partner with God in a new way in bringing this life to others.  But so many barriers stood in the way.

This is where the outer journey joins with the inner journey.

Over the past year many people have joined in my journey of answering if God is calling me to be a pastor.   Friends, co-workers, family, mentors, pastors, and new acquaintances have contributed in small and large ways to removing the barriers that had prevented me from answering this question for so many years. 

Some days it felt like those barriers were 15-foot thick cement walls that I was chipping away with a toothpick and other days those barriers came down like drywall with a bulldozer. 

In the past year I have learned a lot about discernment, I have been given abundant opportunities to learn to listen and to wait, and I have been shown so much grace and love.

Many of you who are reading this have been pillars of hope and encouragement.  You helped me better understand God’s love for me.  I felt God’s love and understood it was not dependent on anything I did, any work I completed, nor what job position I held.  God simply delights in me. You helped me embrace and understand the ways God has both equipped and prepared me to go to seminary and become a pastor.

As I more fully accepted my identity as a beloved daughter of God my fear become courage, uncertainty become clarity, and limitation became freedom. The forming and strengthening foundation of my identity as a beloved daughter of God allowed me to set aside the fear of disappointing those I love, the sadness of being separated from a community of people who have become like family, and the trepidation of stepping away from what had become so comfortable.

A beautiful friend shared this picture with me to represent my journey to all that is possible with God.

Slowly my response to God has become a very confident “yes.”  My response to God is less an answer to a specific question and more a response to God’s love for me.

This is obviously the very short version of the internal and external journey I have been on the past year.  And by no means is this journey over.  For all of us, discernment is a constant process of listening to God and responding to God.  I plan to share more about my process of discernment on this blog in the coming months.  But for now I ask for your prayers (and any advice you might offer!) as I try to figure out which seminary I’ll attend next fall.