This essay is a
reflection on the third week of the Spiritual Exercises, the part of the faith
journey when a person meditates on the ultimate expression of God’s love and at
the same time the ultimate expression of suffering: Christ’s last supper, passion,
and death. Specifically it is an essay
on struggle in my life.
Note: When I
first read over this essay as I was getting ready to post it on my blog, I was
a little taken aback by my ramblings and worries and fears. It struck me that I have made some progress
and growth in this area, so like the previous essay, I have left the original
essay mostly the same and I added an update at the end.
The biggest
struggle for me thus far in my life has not necessarily been living out my
call, but rather it has been trying to discern what my call is. I have only recently begun to fully
understand the concept of a call and vocation, so I still have much to discern
as my life unfolds. In some senses I
have already been trying to live out my call as I understand it and there have
been struggles there, but I am still largely trying to understand what my call
is and how I am supposed to live it out.
I struggle to understand my call in part because I’m still resisting saying
“Yes” to a call that I might indeed understand but am not yet ready to admit
that I do understand it. I ask questions
like “Could this really be what God
is calling me to be and do?” The
struggle includes the struggle to hear as well as the more difficult struggle
to listen and then follow.
I struggle to
believe that the call I think I’m hearing could be a call that I am worthy and
capable of following. I do not believe
that I could ever have the skills, knowledge, strength, and courage necessary
to live out my call. I am not patient
enough to wait for God to reveal my calling in God’s own timing- I want to know
now what I will do and be throughout my life.
I often fail to trust and remember that God will be with me along the
way to offer guidance and help. I’m not
convinced that my needs will be taken care of if I follow the call. I fear the uncertainty of the call and I fear
for my safety. I fear that others will
judge me and I will lose the support and love of people who are important in my
life. Because of these struggles and
others, I am still not able (and perhaps never will be able) to offer an
unconditional “yes” to my call.
Despite the
struggles to accept and live my call, it has been in those moments when I say
“yes” a little more to my call (but not yet an absolute “yes’”) that I feel a
sense of purpose and I feel most alive and loved. It is this that encourages me to keep saying
“yes” a little more. I hope that with
time continually saying “yes” will become easier, but I fear that it will not. Even as I begin to overcome the struggles to
saying “yes” to the call, I enter into the struggles that come along after one
has said “yes.”
In those moments
when I am struggling to follow my call to discipleship, it helps to remember
those people who have taught me what it means to be a true disciple of Christ. I think of leaders who have inspired me in
the way they follow their call. I think
of people like Mother Teresa, Archbishop Oscar Romero, Martin Luther King Jr.,
Dorothy Day, John Dear, and Jon Sobrino.
I also think of “regular” people who may not have written books or led
movements or received international recognition for their work, but they too
have shown me that while struggles will exist, following the call is indeed
possible. My classmates in the Social
Justice program have taught me ways to overcome struggles and how to live with
the struggles. My friends in El Salvador
have shown me exactly what it means to live out the call with great love and
humility. They put their complete trust
in God in everything they are and everything they do. My Salvadoran friends have sacrificed their
own safety, their well-being, and even their lives as they live out their call
to love like Jesus loved. Following a
call was not a smooth road for any of these people. Neither will listening to and living my own
call be without struggle.
Even as I look
to these people for help and inspiration when I struggle to follow my own call,
it is comforting to know that all of us are working together through our own
calls with and through Jesus to bring about the reign of God. The many times that I have recognized that I
have fallen short of living out my call I am reassured to know that there are
many other people working with me toward the goal. My failure and my sin will not bring down the
whole project. While knowing that
everything does not depend solely on my work, others following their call
encourage me to join back in the work of helping to being about the reign of
God.
Update: I have
learned to listen better and I have learned to better sense and feel those
moments when God is telling me that I am following God’s call: I am being who I
am supposed to be and doing what I am supposed to do. I have more often felt those moments when it
is clear to me that I am right where I am supposed to be…it is a sense of calm,
of peace.
I have learned
to trust more. I still don’t know
exactly where I am going, but I have learned to trust that God is leading me in
the right direction and I need to act in trust and just put one foot in front
of the other.
And I have
learned to be more patient. God hasn’t
yet revealed to me God’s long-term plan for my life, but God has made it clear
to me what I am supposed to be doing now.
And for now that’s really all that matters. I can spend all the time and energy I have
trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing for the rest of my life, but
God just isn’t ready to reveal that to me, so I just need to keep practicing
patience.
