This is the
final essay I wrote for my class on the Spiritual Exercises, and it is by far
the most personal, the most emotional, and the one that I struggled most to
write (and even now it’s the one that is the most difficult for me to
read). I debated for a while if I really
wanted to post this, but I decided to post it because this was and remains a
fundamental part of my spiritual journey.
Without this, my spiritual journey is incomplete.
I do not think
that I can honestly say that I have experienced suffering in my own life. I have lived a very comfortable life and I
have been provided with everything I needed and most of the things I
wanted. By no means has my life been
perfect or without difficulties, loss, heartbreaks, and pain, but to say that I
have suffered would be a lie and would diminish the true meaning of the word
suffering.
While I have not
experienced suffering of my own, I have been with people who have truly
suffered. The Salvadorans I spent time
with understand and have experienced extreme suffering. Many of them have lived through a brutal
civil war and all of them are living in the aftermath of this civil war. Some have survived torture, all of them have
had at least one close family member or friend killed in violence, and they all
live through the daily structural violence of poverty. I listened to their stories of past
suffering, I saw with my own eyes their current suffering, and I prayed with
them that God would bless them with a future of less suffering. In a very small way I entered into the
suffering that my Salvadoran friends have experienced. My heart broke and my brain frantically
struggled to make sense of the suffering all around me. Yet, I did not suffer despite the suffering
all around me.
In my time in El
Salvador, I experienced a greater sense of the presence of Jesus. I think this is in part because I came to
better understand the suffering of Jesus through understanding the suffering of
my Salvadoran friends. I have always
identified with the risen Christ and I think as a society most Americans tend
to identify more with the risen Christ than with the suffering Christ being
crucified. However, many of my
Salvadoran friends can easily identify with the suffering, crucified Jesus
because they have experienced very similar suffering. They can relate to the suffering Jesus
experienced on the cross and I was able to relate in a small way to the
suffering the Salvadorans experienced and thus I was a little bit better able
to relate to the suffering of Jesus. In
joining in the suffering of my Salvadoran friends just a little bit, I joined
in the suffering of Jesus just a little bit.
The suffering Jesus experienced on the cross is obviously a vital part
of Jesus and through joining in this suffering I am closer to Jesus.
I do not believe
that suffering is something that a person can truly understand unless one
experiences it. I will probably never be
able to comprehend or imagine the suffering that my Salvadoran friends have
experienced nor will I be able to understand the suffering of Christ. However, I do believe that the time I spent
with Salvadorans helped me to better understand and experience to some extent
the suffering of the world as well as the suffering that Christ experienced on
the cross.
Yet, I have not
suffered and I have been grappling with the question of why it is that I have
not suffered. I think part of the reason
is that my parents and others have been protecting me and shielding me from
suffering for most of my life. This is
something I am very grateful for and it something that all people deserve as
they are growing up. However, I have at
times resented this protection from the suffering of the world. It has made me feel guilty for having the
safety and peace that millions do not have.
More and more I am coming to realize that it is now my own
responsibility that I have not suffered.
I have felt that I have fallen short of being a true Christian because I
have not answered the call to join Christ in suffering with him and with the
people of the world.
I cannot really
express why it is, but I long to be with my Salvadoran friends and to join in
their suffering. I think this is evidence of the grace of the Third Week
starting to be granted in my life. Even
though there is not a whole lot I can do to alleviate the suffering of my
Salvadoran friends, I want to share their burdens as much as possible. It seems that I have the desire to suffer
with my Salvadoran friends, but I do not yet have the courage or strength to
suffer with them.
The issue of
suffering is probably the issue that challenges my faith the most. I don’t know
how to further my understanding or resolve the issue. If anyone has any insights to share, please
do. This essay was the last of the
essays I wrote for my class, but this isn’t the end of my spiritual journey, so
I’m working on a post to sum all this up.
