The five essays I wrote for the class on the Spiritual
Exercises ends in a weird place. There
is a sort of conclusion to the Spiritual Exercises, but there really isn’t any
end to a spiritual journey. Surely there
is a better place to end than where I ended with my fifth essay. So, this final installment is an attempt to
sum everything up and figure out where to go from here. I intended to post this shortly after I
posted my fifth essay, but I felt like I needed more time to figure things out,
to figure out the conclusion to where I am in my spiritual journey, to figure
out how to neatly categorize and communicate my spiritual journey.
But more and more I’m realizing that I will never be able to
write about my spiritual journey in a neat, organized, and complete way. It will always be a work in progress, it will
always be extremely messy.
So here is as much of a conclusion to my essays on the
Spiritual Exercises as I can offer.
At the time I finished writing these essays I felt like I
was on the verge of something, something big, or something that would challenge
me, or ask me to do something radically different in my life. Since this time, I have felt this feeling a
few other times. Each time I feel like I
am preparing to “rename” something in my self or in my life. But I haven’t quite gotten to that point of
the actual renaming or making a change.
I’m not sure if it is me backing away or not allowing myself
to get to that change. Or maybe God
keeps bringing me close, then sees that I’m not ready and brings me away. Or maybe God brings me close and then sees
that the world isn’t ready and brings me away.
It’s hard to tell. And it’s
frustrating. It’s frustrating to be on
the verge of something and not know what that something is and not know if I’m
doing something wrong to not get to that something.
It’s like I’m trying to go over a bridge, a bridge with a
steep incline. I can feel that I’m
almost to the crest of the bridge and I can see the other side, but there is
something stopping me from rolling forward over that crest. And then I start rolling backward. And then at some point I am able to start
getting moving forward toward the crest and then the resistance is too great
and I stop moving and then start moving backward.
I don’t know what exactly it is that God is calling me to,
but I do know in general it is a Christ-centered life, the ultimate destination
for a Christian spiritual journey (well, at least the ultimate destination here
on earth). A Christ-centered life is a
life completely focused on and centered on serving Jesus.
I’d like to say that I’m doing everything I can to overcome
whatever it is that’s stopping me from getting over the crest of that bridge to
a Christ-centered. But I can’t honestly
say that this is the truth. There’s
something stopping me, and I like I said this makes me frustrated, but the fact
that there’s something stopping me leaves me being able to stay in a place
where I am comfortable and don’t have to take on or do or become something that
will challenge me and my faith.
But at this point it seems that all I can do is listen
really hard, wait, and try to get myself ready to take on whatever it is that
is that something that God is calling me to.
This in itself is a challenge, and it’s a challenge that I’m realizing I
will have throughout my life. I’m not
sure that there will ever be a time when I am perfectly living the life God has
called me to live- there will always be something more, something better,
something bigger than myself.
For now I’m just working on taking baby steps towards
whatever it is that God is calling me to, and really these baby steps are enough-
enough to keep me busy and challenged, and enough to keep me wanting to keep
taking more baby steps.
