The day before I left El Salvador, our little group reflected on our experiences in El Salvador and we shared our testimonies with each other. The first time I shared my testimony (with the group from Minnesota), it was a lot easier to reflect on my experiences in El Salvador in part because I had had fewer experiences at that point to reflect on. However, I really struggled to prepare my testimony the second time. It was difficult to sum up 6.5 weeks of experiences and I was (and still am) struggling to make sense of what I experienced.
I'm also struggling to adequately describe and explain my trip. Since I have been back lots of people have asked me questions like "How was your trip?" and "What did you do?" I have tried my best to answer these questions, but I know my answers are insufficient. The answers I have given are insufficient in part because the full answers would take hours and because I just don't know the right words to use. Here is what I shared for my testimony that sort of answers these questions:
"I came to El Salvador this summer searching for answers. I came searching for peace. On the one hand I wanted answers about why there is so much violence in El Salvador and what is being done and what needs to be done to bring peace to the people of El Salvador. I wanted these answers so that I might try to make life better for my Salvadoran friends. I also came in search of answers to more personal questions like "What am I going to do with the rest of my life?" and more specific questions like "Am I called to work in El Salvador?" and if so "How might I make a difference in El Salvador?"
I'm not really sure that my questions have been answered or at least not in the way I expected them to be answered. In many ways I will leave with more questions than answers, but I'm getting used to continually having more questions than answers. And perhaps questions are more important than answers because it is in the search for answers that the most meaning and purpose is found.
I did indeed learn a lot about the violence in El Salvador- both the violence of gangs and the violence of structural violence that is the root cause of gang violence. I heard story after story of how violence has manifested itself in El Salvador. I learned how the violence of unjust systems keeps people stuck in a vicious cycle of pain and suffering. My heart was broken by many of the stories I heard.
But I keep thinking about the day my heart was torn in two. When Julie and I visited Pastor Alejandros' communities I saw poverty and suffering like I have never seen before. As we walked from house to house through the mud I was overwhelmed by the needs these people had. As I sat in someone's house learning about all the suffering they experienced and continued to experience it literally left like my heart was being torn apart.
I'm not sure that my heart will ever really be repaired, but it has mended some. I can't say now where this broken heart will lead to, but my consolation is in knowing that God was and is so very present in this community, in me, and in our coming together. Jesus liked to answer questions by telling stories and it seems that he continues to do that.
Probably more than any other experience in my life, I felt God's presence that day as God began this story. And I know that it has just begun so I can't say where it will go. It is a story of great need, but I hope and pray that it will be a story of great blessing. Even though I have no idea how the needs of this community will be met, I know God is on their side and on my side. God guided me to that community and God will continue to put his hands on me and guide me and probably even push me along when needed.
I am confident that it was part of God's plan for this to be part of my story, part of the answer to the questions I have about violence in El Salvador and how I can use my gifts and passions to meet the need for finding even a partial solution to the pain and suffering in this community and others like it in El Salvador.
And yet, I cannot yet say that I am confident that this story has a happy ending. I am trying so hard to be optimistic and to put my trust in God that he will meet all the needs of his people. But I'm just not there yet. The needs are so great and I just don't know how humanity could ever provide for the needs of this community let alone all the other communities with similar and even grater needs.
And yet there is still hope that I feel. I saw hope in the children. I saw hope in Pastor Alejandro. And I saw hope through Bishop Gomez who reassured me that if helping this community is something I want to do, it will happen. It will happen not because of anything I have done or will do, but rather because it is God writing this story. It is God that brought me to that community, it is God that will bring me back, and it is God that will provide all the hope needed in this story."
That was the testimony I shared the day before I left El Salvador. It is a good starting point, but I still feel I have so far to go to make sense of where to go from here.
I feel as if everything has changed for me, but I can't quite put my finger on what exactly has changed. I feel a greater sense of purpose, a greater sense of direction in my life. Even though I still can't say what I'll be doing in a year when I am finished with graduate school, I feel more confident that I know what sort of work I am called to do. I wanted to spend a significant amount of time in El Salvador to discern if I could see myself living and working there long-term. I have to admit that two months ago I was afraid that the answer to this questions would be "yes, I do feel moved to work and live in El Salvador". While I still don't really know where I'll be in a year or two years or ten years I do know that there were many times during my trip in El Salvador that I did imagine myself living and working there. On the one hand I asked myself if I would feel comfortable living in El Salvador, but regardless of the answer to this question, the real question that needs to be answered is if it is part of God's plan for me to live and work in El Salvador.
A year ago when I was getting ready to start graduate school I felt like I would be learning for my own personal enrichment, but now I have a greater sense that my classes will be preparing me to do something with what I am learning. I now have even more experiences that will hopefully guide my learning and will allow me to put what I am learning into a specific context. This makes me feel like I actually have a greater purpose and a reason for learning that is more meaningful than my own personal enrichment.
