My Christian faith is perhaps my primary motivation to go to El Salvador and my faith will strongly influence the way I see and understand my experiences on this trip. So, I think it is important for me to let you know a little bit about my faith journey and how that affects the way I think about El Salvador.
In my Pastor's wonderful sermon yesterday, he talked about the spiritual continuum and I find this extremely helpful in looking back on my faith journey. It is useful to be able to give names to the various phases of my faith journey, and I hope these phases will help me describe my faith journey to you. The four phases are: exploring Christ, growing in Christ, being close to Christ, and being Christ-centered.
Exploring Christ: I grew up going to Sunday School and church. I was very fortunate to always have two great examples of Christian women in my life- my mom and grandma- and there have been many others along the way who helped me first explore Christ and have helped guide me to where I am today in my faith journey. However, up until about halfway through middle school, God was very low on my list of priorities. Then as I went through Confirmation classes and I learned more, my faith began to take on a more important role in my life. As much as my little teenager mind thought I could do everything by myself, I realized that life was far too difficult, painful, and complex to deal with on my own without God.
Growing in Christ: In high school, I really started in earnest to seek to understand what it means to be a Christian. I fully accepted that Jesus was the path to salvation. When I went away to college, I had so many wonderful opportunities that really allowed my faith to flourish such as Bible studies, retreats, classes, and lots of great friends who challenged me to strengthen my faith. My faith grew. Prayer, reading scripture, and worship became integral parts of my life.
Being close to Christ: Then I began asking "so what?". I found that my faith was "empty" and without much purpose. Sure, it was wonderful to fully believe that God sent Jesus to die on the cross and then rise again for my eternal salvation, but I can remember thinking that there had to be more to Christianity than my personal salvation (by no means am I dismissing how amazing that is!). And there is indeed more to Christianity. It was about this time that I began learning about liberation theology and it changed my life. Liberation theology is a way of thinking about God that began in Latin America in the late 1950s as a response to the extreme poverty and suffering there. Liberation theology teaches us that Jesus is a liberator- he frees us from sin, suffering, injustice, poverty, and anything else that oppresses us and prevents us from being the human persons God intended us to be. In liberation theology, praxis (action and reflection on the connection between that action and scripture) is emphasized over doctrine. So not only does liberation theology assert that the injustices of the world are against God's will and we do not have to accept these injustices, but more importantly liberation theology declares that everyone must take action to address the injustices. While I recognize that liberation theology has its shortcomings (as does any theology), it has offered me a radically different way to think about God, Jesus, my faith, and my role as a Christian.
Especially after learning more and more about liberation theology, I have come to believe that as a Christian, it is my obligation to respond to the love that Jesus showed through his sacrifice on the the cross. Every Christian's response will be different depending on his or her God-given gifts and passions. Being a Christian is much more than just believing- it is acting in ways that Jesus would act. So, I have focused more and more on finding ways to put my faith into action and serving Jesus through serving those in need (see Matthew 25:35-46). I think I will forever be trying to determine exactly how it is that God wants me to serve in the world, but I have no doubt that I am indeed called to be Jesus' hands and feet in this world.
Being Christ-Centered: I feel that perhaps I'm getting closer to being Christ-centered, but I recognize I'm still far from it. I very much would like my relationship with Jesus to be the most important thing in my life, but there are just so many reasons and excuses why I'm not yet able to risk everything and fully surrender my life to God. However, more and more my identity, beliefs, and actions are based exclusively on my relationship with Jesus. My relationship with Jesus has certainly guided me to go on this trip. By no means is going on this trip risking everything, but over the past few days especially I have thought about and felt just how much I am risking and giving up. I'm giving up time, money, all the comforts of home and the comforts of living in the U.S. and I'm risking my safety. I am making sacrifices and stepping out of my comfort zone. I write this not so that you'll think I'm a selfless saint but rather to expose the apprehension and anxiety I'm feeling.
I have felt God tugging on my heart for what feels like forever now to go back to El Salvador- to be with God's people there, to walk with the Salvadorans on their journeys of life and faith, to help where I can, to listen to their stories, and to then bring their stories home and work to address the injustices their stories illustrate. To be perfectly honest, as I'm about to leave on this trip I'm feeling just how hard it is to live a life that is Christ-centered. I'm also sure that during the course of the next 6 weeks my spiritual journey will be challenged even more. The good news is that it's a journey and with God's help I'll keep moving in the right direction which is all that matters.
