I've been working on writing this post essentially since I got home, but I have held off finishing and posting it until now for a couple of reasons. The transition back home from El Salvador was rough, but I am feeling more adjusted after a couple of weeks. I waited to post this so that my emotions could calm down a little- I didn’t want to post something that I would later regret. I also waited because I knew that the stress and exhaustion I felt when I got home were affecting me negatively. There are still some raw emotions here, but I hope that’s ok.
First, let me say that I was and continue to be so glad to be home with my family with all the comforts of home (especially clean water I can drink from the tap).
But being home has been difficult. It was such a quick and busy trip in El Salvador and coming home was so abrupt. I felt like I was plopped into El Salvador, yanked out, and then plopped right back home. I think part of the difficulty has been due to being physically exhausted and then having to get right back into the craziness of the month before I graduate from graduate school. But the difficulty of being home has been more on an emotional, intellectual, and spiritual level than on a physical level.
Many people experience culture shock when they visit a place where the culture is different from their own culture. The culture and life in El Salvador, as you might imagine, is quite different from life in the U.S., especially life in suburbia. Coming back home has been like reverse culture shock. I didn't really have time to prepare myself to come back home. It was all very quick and unsettling in a way.
Life went on while I was away, as I expected it would.
I went away for a week to what seemed like a completely different world- a world where there is poverty everywhere, a world where there are still deep wounds from a brutal civil war, a world where injustice is the rule and not the exception.
The poverty and suffering and desperation that I saw people experiencing in El Salvador affected me deeply- this trip as well as in the past two times I visited El Salvador. And especially after this trip it has been difficult to be around other people whom I love and care for when they don't understand and haven’t experienced what has so deeply affected me.
My family and friends didn't hear the Salvadoran pastor talking about how members of his congregation don't even have the basic necessities- food, water, decent housing. They didn’t see the children at the homeless shelter who were desperate for food. They didn’t see the squalor that many people live in. They didn't see the precious, malnourished boy with his dirty clothes and bare feet. They didn't see the people who are desperate for help.
Since I have been home these past couple of weeks I have often had this desire to just make everyone stop what they are doing. To stop their senseless buying and consuming. To stop watching senseless TV. To stop being so concerned about what's going on on Facebook. To stop worrying about how their sports teams are doing. It all seems so shallow, so superficial, so unimportant after all I saw and experienced in El Salvador.
I have wanted to just make people stop whatever they are doing and tell them: The world is in crisis. There is extreme poverty. People are sick. People are suffering. People are dying.
I have felt angry and frustrated that others don't seem to care enough to go to El Salvador to see and to understand what is happening there and in so many other places in the world. Why don't people care enough to go to El Salvador and help? How can they just go about their lives when there are people suffering and dying? Why aren’t people doing anything to help? I just cannot get past the thought that "if only they would go and visit El Salvador, they would understand and be moved to do something."
In a way I have been blessed and privileged to be able to learn about and experience the reality of poverty. I have a better understanding of the world around me and how my actions impact other people thousands of miles away. I understand the state of injustice in the world (but by no means do I understand it completely). But this knowledge and the experience I have is also a disadvantage. It is a disadvantage because I have to deal with the pain of knowing about the injustice in the world, but also because there are so many people around me who don’t have this pain and knowledge, people who don't "get it".
All this has left me with a heavy burden to make others see what I have seen, to experience what I have experienced, to meet the Salvadorans I have met, to open eyes to things that my eyes have been opened to, and to allow hearts to break as mine has been broken. I feel such a heavy burden to help the Salvadorans I met, and I know that I cannot help them on my own. So this leaves me with even more of a burden to make others have the same passion I have so that they can help me help the Salvadorans.
Don’t get me wrong- you are all wonderful loving people, I’m not accusing anyone of being heartless. I know that most people do in fact care deeply about other people and the world. I know that many people have an issue or a group of people that they care deeply about- not everyone is called to be passionate about El Salvador. My family, friends, and church family do indeed care and do indeed want to make the world a better place, I just don’t see the sense of urgency that I think is warranted after my trip.
I have felt frustrated and saddened by the seemingly lack of concern or care from other people but I have also been frustrated and saddened by my own life and my own response to what I experienced in El Salvador. On the one hand I feel guilt - I feel guilty for all the "stuff" that is cluttering my room, for all the food that is in my pantry and fridge, for all the clothes I have, for the wonderful health care that I have access to, for the beautiful big house and the safe neighborhood that I live in. Why do I have so much stuff when so many Salvadorans have so little? How can I keep living like I’m living when there are people suffering and dying because of injustice in the world?
I also keep telling myself that I personally need to be doing more to help the Salvadorans I met. I’m not doing enough- there will always be more that I could be doing. It is so overwhelming trying to figure out what to do and actually doing it is even more overwhelming and difficult. And in all this I’m still trying to discern how God is calling me to respond. Why did God call me to go to El Salvador? Why is God calling me to go back? What role am I supposed to be playing in bringing about God’s justice in El Salvador? I worry about not living up to what I am supposed to be doing. But then I’m afraid of what it is going to cost me if and when I do live up to what I’m supposed to be doing.
All this that has been going through my mind isn’t exactly bringing me peace. But this isn’t the end of the story. I do have hope, but you are going to have to wait until my next post to hear about it.
