Spiritual Exercises: Part 4

This essay is a reflection on the third week of the Spiritual Exercises, the part of the faith journey when a person meditates on the ultimate expression of God’s love and at the same time the ultimate expression of suffering: Christ’s last supper, passion, and death.  Specifically it is an essay on struggle in my life.

Note: When I first read over this essay as I was getting ready to post it on my blog, I was a little taken aback by my ramblings and worries and fears.  It struck me that I have made some progress and growth in this area, so like the previous essay, I have left the original essay mostly the same and I added an update at the end.

The biggest struggle for me thus far in my life has not necessarily been living out my call, but rather it has been trying to discern what my call is.  I have only recently begun to fully understand the concept of a call and vocation, so I still have much to discern as my life unfolds.  In some senses I have already been trying to live out my call as I understand it and there have been struggles there, but I am still largely trying to understand what my call is and how I am supposed to live it out.  I struggle to understand my call in part because I’m still resisting saying “Yes” to a call that I might indeed understand but am not yet ready to admit that I do understand it.  I ask questions like “Could this really be what God is calling me to be and do?”  The struggle includes the struggle to hear as well as the more difficult struggle to listen and then follow.      

I struggle to believe that the call I think I’m hearing could be a call that I am worthy and capable of following.  I do not believe that I could ever have the skills, knowledge, strength, and courage necessary to live out my call.  I am not patient enough to wait for God to reveal my calling in God’s own timing- I want to know now what I will do and be throughout my life.  I often fail to trust and remember that God will be with me along the way to offer guidance and help.  I’m not convinced that my needs will be taken care of if I follow the call.  I fear the uncertainty of the call and I fear for my safety.  I fear that others will judge me and I will lose the support and love of people who are important in my life.  Because of these struggles and others, I am still not able (and perhaps never will be able) to offer an unconditional “yes” to my call.

Despite the struggles to accept and live my call, it has been in those moments when I say “yes” a little more to my call (but not yet an absolute “yes’”) that I feel a sense of purpose and I feel most alive and loved.  It is this that encourages me to keep saying “yes” a little more.  I hope that with time continually saying “yes” will become easier, but I fear that it will not.  Even as I begin to overcome the struggles to saying “yes” to the call, I enter into the struggles that come along after one has said “yes.”

In those moments when I am struggling to follow my call to discipleship, it helps to remember those people who have taught me what it means to be a true disciple of Christ.  I think of leaders who have inspired me in the way they follow their call.  I think of people like Mother Teresa, Archbishop Oscar Romero, Martin Luther King Jr., Dorothy Day, John Dear, and Jon Sobrino.  I also think of “regular” people who may not have written books or led movements or received international recognition for their work, but they too have shown me that while struggles will exist, following the call is indeed possible.  My classmates in the Social Justice program have taught me ways to overcome struggles and how to live with the struggles.  My friends in El Salvador have shown me exactly what it means to live out the call with great love and humility.  They put their complete trust in God in everything they are and everything they do.  My Salvadoran friends have sacrificed their own safety, their well-being, and even their lives as they live out their call to love like Jesus loved.  Following a call was not a smooth road for any of these people.  Neither will listening to and living my own call be without struggle.  

Even as I look to these people for help and inspiration when I struggle to follow my own call, it is comforting to know that all of us are working together through our own calls with and through Jesus to bring about the reign of God.  The many times that I have recognized that I have fallen short of living out my call I am reassured to know that there are many other people working with me toward the goal.  My failure and my sin will not bring down the whole project.  While knowing that everything does not depend solely on my work, others following their call encourage me to join back in the work of helping to being about the reign of God.

Update: I have learned to listen better and I have learned to better sense and feel those moments when God is telling me that I am following God’s call: I am being who I am supposed to be and doing what I am supposed to do.  I have more often felt those moments when it is clear to me that I am right where I am supposed to be…it is a sense of calm, of peace.

I have learned to trust more.  I still don’t know exactly where I am going, but I have learned to trust that God is leading me in the right direction and I need to act in trust and just put one foot in front of the other.

And I have learned to be more patient.  God hasn’t yet revealed to me God’s long-term plan for my life, but God has made it clear to me what I am supposed to be doing now.  And for now that’s really all that matters.  I can spend all the time and energy I have trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing for the rest of my life, but God just isn’t ready to reveal that to me, so I just need to keep practicing patience.