Up until a few weeks ago I thought I didn’t have a problem
with forgiveness.
As a rule I am easy going.
My unofficial motto is “It’s all good”.
I don’t take things personally. I
don’t hold things against people. We
don’t need to dwell on the past. I’m quickly
ready to move on and move forward in my relationships.
There have been very few people who have done anything wrong
to me and really nothing majorly wrong has been done to me. Whenever forgiveness has been the topic of a
sermon or Bible study I have tuned it out for the most part thinking, “I don’t
need to hear this. I forgive people
easily.”
But as it turns out I do have a problem with
forgiveness. It’s only taken me 28 years
to realize it, but now that I’ve realized it I see how I have let my
unforgiveness fester.
It’s been little, relatively insignificant things that I’m
struggling to forgive. And it’s
primarily one person that I’m having a difficult time forgiving right now. I keep waiting for this person to
change. To stop hurting me, to stop
doing the things that drive me absolutely insane, to stop disrespecting me, to
stop making me feel insignificant.
I pent up my anger, my frustration, my pain.
Anne Lamott has said “Not forgiving is like drinking rat
poison and then waiting for the rat to die.”
Yep, that’s about what it feels like.
Up until the moment when I realized I wasn’t forgiving, I
thought the situation was due to his flaws.
It’s his fault for acting that way and not changing. But in reality it’s my fault for not
addressing the issue and for holding on to what has hurt me. He probably does not even know what he is
doing is harming and frustrating me to the extent it is.
I’ve been going about the situation in all the wrong ways. When it comes down to the anger, frustration,
and pain I’m feeling it’s ultimately up to me to release them through
forgiveness.
Dang. It seemed so
much easier when it was his shortcomings and not my own. But now at least I feel I have more control
in the situation.
My mentor told me I should pray for the people who I am
angry with and from whom I am withholding forgiveness. Seems like a good first step, but it is SO
hard to pray for him. For a week I
persistently tried to pray for him but as soon as I started to pray even a
simple blessing for him I couldn’t get much more than a couple of words in
before my anger and frustration prohibited me from going any further.
So I turned to Anne Lamott’s wisdom (she seems to know a lot
about the whole forgiveness thing) and I have been praying one of her favorite
prayers: Help me. Help me. Help me….
In the very slightest way I feel my clenched fists, my
anger, and my frustration starting to release.
It is the tiniest bit of release but it is indeed a step toward restoring
this relationship.
Baby steps are all I can take right now and that’s ok.
