Easter Seems so Far Away

There are so many thoughts and threads going through my mind today.  As usual I’d like to try to tie them up all in a neat little package but the world is far more complex than this.

I’m remembering a year ago when I was in Haiti.  An experience that I still don’t really have the words to describe or capture.  A year later I still struggle with the scenes of desperation and despair I witnessed.  And I have no hope of working out the tension between the glimpses of hope and the unmistakable hold death still has.  I constantly remember the smiles of the children receiving lunch at school as well as the pleas of the children waiting outside the school to see if there would be any leftovers for them.

On today’s date in 1980, the Archbishop of San Salvador, Oscar Romero, was martyred for speaking out against the violence, poverty, and social injustice in El Salvador.  The legacy and stories of this man have shaped me and so many others.  As I remember his death, I also remember Romero’s remarkable faith and courage that were formed and displayed so vividly in his work of showing God’s love in word and action.

And today is also my favorite day of the church year: Maundy Thursday.  It is the day in which we remember the last supper Jesus had with his disciples in which he began the sacrament of communion.  It’s a day marked by a celebration of community, grace, and the connection we will forever have with Jesus and our fellow members of the Church.  After supper Jesus gave his followers a new commandment: “Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another” (John 13:34).  I love the messages Jesus shared with his disciples and with us even as he knew his death on the cross was coming the next day.

With all this remembering I’m finding it difficult to move forward today.  It’s so frustrating to recognize that in the grand scheme of things, not much has changed since these events 1 year ago, 36 years ago, and nearly 2000 years ago.  The world is still heavy with pain, suffering, evil, and death.  In Haiti, instability and extreme poverty remain.  While there are certainly pockets of hope these oases are fragile and could be destroyed so easily.  In El Salvador the gang violence has reached an all time high, and so many of my friends and acquaintances there are forced to live in constant fear.  In our world, we continue to see more and more examples of people being divided rather unified.  We see this in our politics, on social media, in our culture, and most devastatingly in the Church.  There are an infinite amount of examples of how we fail to love our neighbors as Jesus loved us.

Even though Easter is only three days away, today it seems unbearably far away.

God in Haiti

As I prepared to go to Haiti I was considerably worried that God might use this experience to ask me to do something new, big, and scary (like move to Haiti and be a missionary or adopt a few Haitian children).  I’ve prayed some pretty bold prayers over the past year or so and God had started to provide some bold answers to my prayers.  And I was scared the rest of the answers would be in a form that required me to step way out of my comfort zone.

While I was in Haiti and in the few weeks I’ve been back from Haiti, God has provided me with undeniable peace and reassurance that I am doing what I’m supposed to be doing in this season of my life.  No need to buy a one-way plane ticket to Haiti and start learning Creole.  Whew.

BUT, I’m not off the hook that easily. 

God often does ask us to do things, but I have come to understand that God is much more concerned about who we are rather than what we do.  What we do will please God if we are the people God wants us to be.  Our actions follow from who we are.

God didn’t ask me to make a radical life change and do something different, but God did use my experience in Haiti to start to teach me to be someone different: someone who more fully recognizes and rests in God’s unceasing presence.

I have problem with control.  I wish I could control every detail of my life and have every last detail planned out, and boy do I try.  As you might guess, trying to control every aspect of my life doesn’t work out very well for me because life just doesn’t work that way.  I’m often left grasping, worried, anxious, and frustrated.

But God has something better in mind for me, and God is using my experience in Haiti to help me become more like the person God intended me to be. 

Since I returned from Haiti, I have been overwhelmed (in a good way) by all the places, situations, and people I have seen God’s abundant hope, grace, and love.  Almost literally everywhere I turn, in every circumstance, in so many of my interactions with other people I have been overwhelmed by seeing and being aware of God’s presence.  I’ve seen God working out the details.  I’ve seen God transforming people.  I’ve seen God taking care of the minor and the major issues.

Maybe it was because of all the evil, death, and desperation I saw in Haiti that I HAD to look for God to have something to hold on to so that I didn’t lose all faith and hope in God.  In a place where living conditions are so bad you think God wouldn’t and couldn’t be present, God was indeed present when I looked.  Something “clicked” through my intentional act of looking in Haiti that has allowed me to better notice God in every person, every situation, every part of Creation. 

As my awareness of God’s presence has grown, something shifted in me: I’m not bothered that I can’t control everything.  God is here and God is moving in powerful ways.  I’m just along for the ride.  Recognizing this has allowed me to rest and trust in God’s presence.  

And it is so good.