Love is Really Messy

Love is a word that gets thrown around a lot. 

I love ice cream.  I love my new car.  I love that TV show.  I love your shoes.

We use the word “love” in this superficial sense far too often. 

Most commonly the word “love” gets used as an emotion.  But the deeper meaning of love is not something you feel toward another person or something, but rather love is an action.

Love is doing anything to care for any person in need.

If I’ve learned anything about love, it’s that love is messy.  Loving other people is complicated, difficult, complex, problematic, challenging, demanding, tough, and risky.  Just really messy.

There are a lot of people in this world who need to be loved.  There is a lot of pain, a lot of suffering, a lot of hurting people in our communities.

Trying to love people can be exhausting in every way possible- physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

Figuring out how and who to love keeps me up at night.

How can I possibly love everyone who needs to be loved?  How does one prioritize who needs to be loved?

How can I love people while making sure I’m not taken advantage of or I don’t completely exhaust myself?

When is “tough” love what is really needed?

How do I make sure that what I’m doing for someone is actually showing them love and not just hurting them more?

What if not everyone agrees with the way I think love should be shown to people?  Do I risk destroying a relationship with someone so that someone else can be loved? 

I think and pray hard and long trying to figure out how to love.  I have made mistakes when I thought I was doing or saying the right thing but really I wasn’t.  I have hurt people who I only intended to love.  I haven’t and won’t love perfectly.  My past mistakes and my fear of doing something wrong in the future, my fear of not loving enough or of loving too much or loving the wrong way, tempts me to give up.  Am I or anyone else really making any progress in caring for people in need?  Is it really worth it???

I get caught up in this thinking far too easily.  I have to remind myself again and again that all I can do is try as hard as I can to love people in the right way with the knowledge and resources I have right now.  And I pray that God will pick up the pieces, that somehow God will use my imperfect, failed attempts at loving people and will transform those attempts into something more beautiful than I could ever imagine.  This is love.

33 years ago today, a man who understood perfectly what it means to love, a man who lived and died loving other people, Archbishop of San Salvador Oscar Romero, became a martyr.  The prayer below, Prophets of a Future Not Our Own, often called the “Romero Prayer”, has been one of those things that helps remind me that love is worth it and that God is entering in and transforming the world.  

PROPHETS OF A FUTURE NOT OUR OWN

by Fr. Ken Untener 

It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view.

The Kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,

it is even beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of the

magnificent enterprise that is God’s work.

Nothing we do is complete,

which is another way of saying that the Kingdom always lies beyond us.

No statement says all that could be said.

No prayer fully expresses our faith.

No confession brings perfection, no pastoral visit brings wholeness.

No program accomplishes the Church’s mission.

No set of goals and objectives includes everything.

This is what we are about.

We plant the seeds that one day will grow.

We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise.

We lay foundations that will need further development.

We provide yeast that produces effects far beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything,

and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.

This enables us to do something,

and to do it very well.

It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning,

a step along the way,

an opportunity for the Lord’s grace to enter and do the rest.

We may never see the end results, but that is the difference

between the master builder and the worker.

We are workers, not master builders,

ministers, not messiahs.

We are prophets of a future not our own.

Romero's Challenge for us Today

“It costs so much to be a full human being that there are few who have the enlightenment to pay the price.” –Morris West

Yesterday I had the opportunity to go to an event near Milwaukee on Oscar Romero.  Oscar Romero was the Catholic Archbishop of El Salvador from 1977 until March 24, 1980, when he was assassinated for speaking out against the injustice and violence being waged in El Salvador by the Salvadoran military and government against the people (see my post from a few years ago for more details about Oscar Romero).

Many of the speakers and conversations at the event yesterday focused on Romero’s conversion or transformation- the process that brought Romero to be a full human and to pay the price for living life so fully.

Oscar Romero never ceases to amaze, inspire, and encourage me.  As I learn more about Romero’s life, I’m finding it is the way he lived his life more than the way he died that challenges and inspires me.

How did Romero have the enlightenment to pay the price for being a full human being?  How can we take steps in the right direction of becoming a full human being and how do we get this enlightenment?

Here’s what we can learn from Romero:

Romero was so in touch with God.  He was a man of prayer, he prayed constantly and in all circumstances.  Romero’s driver told a story about the time Romero was involved in mediating a hostage situation.  Romero was praying, but stopped to ask the driver what he should do if someone started shooting in this tense situation.  The driver advised Romero to dive behind a ledge.  Romero went on praying and then paused to ask the driver if this would really work.  The driver answered (only partly joking) that yes, diving behind the ledge would protect Romero if he could stop praying for a moment to do so.  Above all, Romero knew God is the ultimate source of all strength.    

Today we must somehow find that connection with God through prayer, reflection, and scripture.  Only through an intimate connection with God can we ever hope to even know what God is trying to bring about here on earth. 

Romero was open to seeing and learning about the difficult and painful reality of the world.  Romero spent countless hours with people listening to their stories of grief and suffering and Romero traveled all around El Salvador seeing for himself the conditions and situations people were living in.  I can only imagine how painful this was for Romero to learn about and see the suffering of thousands of people.  Romero could have spent his life reading books and saying mass, but instead, he stepped out of his comfortable “bubble.”  

Today we must seek out the truth about the harsh realities of the world.  There is so much injustice in the world (including in our own communities), and we must educate ourselves and learn the truth, otherwise we have no chance of ending injustice.

Romero spent his time with the people who were suffering the most and the people who were nearest to death.  As the head of the Catholic Church in El Salvador, Romero could have very easily spent his time with the religious, political, and societal leaders of the country- the wealthy and the powerful.  However, Romero chose to live in a cancer hospital for the poor.  He chose to spend his time visiting poor rural communities.  He chose to devote his time to working for justice for people who were suffering and dying at the hands of the wealthy and powerful.   

Today we must ask ourselves: Where have we planted our feet and with whom do we spend our time?  Do we spend our time with the kind of people Jesus spent his time with, those people who are rejected by society?  We have so much to learn from the people who society rejects.

And finally, Romero did all this in community.  Romero had the direct and indirect support of fellow priests and the Salvadoran people.  Romero drew courage and strength from the Salvadoran people, and likewise, the Salvadoran people found strength in seeing Romero work to bring about a better world.  Three decades after his death, Romero continues to be a source of hope for the Salvadoran people.

Today we can’t do anything unless we do it together.  People of all countries, ages, races, economic levels, religions, denominations, etc. must join together to encourage each other to live more fully as humans. 

The life of Oscar Romero challenges us to continue the journey Romero set out on- to focus on Jesus in the deep darkness of this world and thus find the Light.    

Wind

I’ve had a lot of experience with wind: sailing, biking, running, kayaking, cross country skiing, and, camping.  For any of these activities, the wind is a very important factor. 

When sailing you obviously need some wind in order to go anywhere, but if there is too much wind or if the wind isn’t blowing in the right direction you will have trouble.  In the case of sailing, you need the right balance of wind. 

My experience with wind and camping is a pretty traumatic one that involved a torrential downpour, thunder, lightning, and wind gusts so strong I was legitimately concerned that our tent was going to blow away with my friend and me in it while camping on a little island.  In the case of camping, a nice light breeze to keep the mosquitos away is appreciated, strong wind gusts are not!

For the other activities I mentioned, it is best for the wind to be at your back, blowing in the direction you want to go.  When the wind is going the direction you are going there is much less resistance.  A strong head wind can make a bike ride super frustrating and exhausting as you pedal trying to inch forward while the wind pushes you backward.

But having the wind at your back on a long bike ride make for a much more enjoyable ride, and having the wind at your back in life is a huge blessing.

I think we have all had those times in life when we feel that we can’t get any momentum going in the direction we want to go.  There are setbacks and roadblocks and you just can’t seem to get a break.  Nothing goes right and you are moving farther and farther from where you want to be.  The wind seems to be blowing right straight at you and you are helpless to do anything about it.  

And then there are those times when things just seem fall into place.

That has been true of my life lately, I’ve found the wind at my back.  That’s not to say that I’m comfortably coasting in life, but rather the wind is propelling me.  There have been hills to go up, mountains to scale, and tall barbed wire fences to somehow get on the other side of.  Things have not been easy, there have been challenges to work through, and the going has often been much slower than I would like, but through anything that might pose an obstacle, I feel a gentle breeze at my back (and sometimes it’s a wind stronger than a breeze) that pushes me along in the direction I’m going in life.

This wind at my back opens up opportunities, softens hearts, and provides solutions to otherwise unsolvable problems.

The best part of feeling the wind at my back is that it reassures me that I’m going in the right direction.  That gentle breeze is my signal that I need to keep pursuing this path, and this is a sign that I am incredibly grateful for.

If you too have a tail wind, may you have the continued strength to harness that wind and keep the momentum going!

If you are facing a head wind today, I pray that you find a way to change course or receive the courage to do a U-turn.   

The Old Irish Blessing (which only seems appropriate)

May the road rise up to meet you.


May the wind always be at your back.


May the sun shine warm upon your face,


and rains fall soft upon your fields.


And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand. 

Martha and Mary and Marvin

Perhaps you have heard the story from the Bible about Mary and Martha.  It goes like this: Jesus and his disciples were out traveling.  They came to a village and Martha, a woman who lived in the village, opened her home to the disciples for them to rest and have some food.  Martha busied herself with all the preparations that came with hosting Jesus and a dozen of his closest followers. With these unexpected guests, she was running around trying to get the house cleaned and straightened up and cook a decent meal for her guests.  Meanwhile Mary, Martha’s sister, simply sat at Jesus’ feet and listened to what Jesus had to say.  Martha got super upset with Mary and then asked Jesus to tell Mary to stop sitting around and help!

Jesus calmly responds, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:41-42).

I have always found that I am more of a Martha.  I tend to focus more on tasks and getting things done.  I would much rather be in the kitchen cooking and cleaning than in the living room entertaining guests.  On the surface level, there’s nothing really wrong with this, but not remembering the deeper message of this story can get us in big trouble.

This week I got a “Mary/Martha perspective check”.

It was a long week of desperately trying to get done everything that needed to get done at work.  I’m usually able to put my daily “to-do” reminder lists on post-it notes, but this week a full size legal pad was necessary for my “to-do” list.  Every day, I was acutely aware of how I was just barely keeping my head above water. 

Friday came around and the list was getting shorter, but was still too lengthy for comfort.  I immersed myself in work on Friday with the sole goal of being able to cross things off the list and be able to head into the weekend without too much work hanging over my head.

Then a little after lunch my phone rang.  I picked up the phone and a friendly gentleman greeted me.  He didn’t say his name right away, so it took me a moment to figure out who it was.

But then I recognized his voice.  It was Marvin, one of the homeless men who stay at my church each Wednesday evening.  I have gotten to know Marvin and we usually chat a bit each Wednesday night about what we had been up to over the past week.   

Our phone conversation wasn’t more than a couple of minutes, but in those minutes Marvin gave me a perspective check without realizing he did so.  Marvin didn’t call for any reason in particular- he just called to say hello and wish me a blessed day.  But he said something that made me realize how much I of a “Martha” I was this last week.  He told me that he saw me on Wednesday evening, but it looked like I was “on a mission” and busy so he didn’t try to get my attention to say “hi”.

I had been too busy to stop for even one moment and say “hello” to Marvin. 

I felt ashamed and guilty that I had let all the little (and not so little) work tasks take over my thinking and doing and had become so completely consumed by these tasks that I couldn’t be bothered to do something that wasn’t on my to-do list.

I had been worried and even upset about trying to get all my work done, but in that moment Wednesday evening (and perhaps at other moments in this past week) I needed to be more like Mary.  I needed to recognize the one thing that was truly needed.  I should have taken the time to at least say “hello” to Marvin.  If Jesus had been sitting there instead of Marvin, I can’t say with confidence that I would have even noticed.  Ultimately, I failed to love God and serve God through loving and serving the least of these brothers and sisters of Jesus (Matthew 25:40).

Yes, there are tasks that need to be done.  I do need to do my work.  But the minute that doing things on my “to-do” list consumes me so much that I can’t even stop one second to say “hi” to a person who has shown me great kindness is the minute I need to find a better balance.  Figuring out how to regain a better balance and actually re-balancing is a whole other story, but at the very least I hope start to better recognize when I’m being too much of a Martha.

Who. Not what.

For most of my life I have known that God has a plan for my life.  This fact should be very reassuring and encouraging, but for many years, knowing that God has a plan for my life has filled me with anxiety and has left me in fear of not following God’s plan for my life.

I believed that God has one very specific and exact plan for the way I am supposed to live my life.  I imagined that God had laid out my life and I needed to essentially read God’s mind in order to figure out what to say, what to think, where to go, where to stay, and what to wear so that I would please God and live the life God wanted me to live.  I thought making one wrong choice, one mis-step, one incorrect action would forever alter my life in a way that would never allow me to get back on the “right” path that God had intended me to walk down.

And it was never the worry of making bad choices that gave me such anxiety.  I’ve never been one to consider recklessly breaking laws, repeatedly partying hard through the night and ditching class in the morning, or doing other such things that would detrimentally affect my life.  The decisions that filled me with anxiety were decisions between doing two or more good things.  Decisions like: should I join the Peace Corps or should I go to graduate school to study social justice?  Or should I apply to work at Non-profit Organization A or Christian Organization B? 

I often felt paralyzed and unable to make any decision because I was so afraid of making the wrong decision. 

To some extent I’ve wanted to hold on to the belief that God has one specific plan for my life: a second-by-second plan to living the life God intended for Melissa.  If I could just figure out a way to read God’s mind and know what that second by second plan is, life would be so easy…

But I’ve come to understand that God’s plan for my life is more about WHO God wants me to be and less about WHAT God wants me to do.  If I am the person God wants me to be then I will naturally do the things God wants me to do.

God wants me to be a person who loves and serves God and likewise loves and serves other people.  God wants me to be a person who seeks justice and leads other people to act in ways that bring about justice in this world.  And God wants me to be a person who has hope and spreads that hope that one day the Kingdom of God will be fully present on earth.

Perhaps it is the case that God has a detailed plan laid out for my life.  I’m not opposed to this idea, but I’ve found such freedom in relinquishing the idea that I need to figure out and follow some unknown to me second-by-second and step-by-step plan.

So for now my plan is to trust and be. I’m going to trust that God has a plan for my life and try to be the person I think God wants me to be.