The Overwhelmingness of Life

Life has a way of coming at you sometimes in a way that is completely overwhelming.  It just keeps coming without regard for human need for rest or peace of mind.  Anybody know what I mean? 

Well, life has been pretty overwhelming for me for a lot of the past couple months.  There were weeks when just about every minute of life was filled with sleep, work, and other activities- all good things, but just a lot.  It’s weeks like this when Friday evening comes around and I wonder what on earth happened to the past week, it just seems like a complete blur.  Having a full time job and a part time job is going pretty well so far, but it makes for some long days (but good days!).

And then there were a couple of weeks when I wondered what would come next, what life would throw at me next.  I felt like one thing came right after the other and life didn’t stop coming at me for anything.  Life was relentless.  I didn’t have two minutes to breathe, to rest, to fully realize all that was happening.  My grandma had a massive stroke and died two days later.  The rest of life- work, etc.- continued on and the speed and intensity of work and activities seemed to increase.  Then my grandpa had a stroke (he’s doing pretty well now in his recovery).  And the rest of life continued on with work and events and responsibilities and relationships and family.

Completely overwhelming.

But that’s the way life is sometimes, and it would be unnatural if life weren’t completely overwhelming sometimes.  But I have a request for life: let’s keep the overwhelmingnes at a minimum.  Okay???  Good. 

Life has settled down and I have had time to grieve, to reflect, to catch my breath. 

In all this I often turned to writing to do something with all the experience, to get things on paper and off my mind, to try to make sense of it.  The writing was sporadic and random and I’m going to try to put some of it in a form that will make sense and get it on my blog.  Some of this writing was done in in random places- on the back of crumpled up receipts I dug out of the bottom of my purse for example- so it will require some putting together physically and thematically.  I wrote a lot that I hope others will find something familiar in my experiences and resonate with it.  And some of this writing was done for me and will remain between me and God (for now at least).  (I actually have quite a few blogs posts in the works, it has just been the task of finishing up these writings that has been an issue lately.)

In my time of being completely overwhelmed with life over the past month I spent a lot of time in prayer.  There were of course a variety of prayers in a variety of states of mind and in a variety of emotions.  But no matter the words or the way I said those words in my prayers, I turned to God and I asked God to be with me and I knew that God was with me.  It was this that sustained me through the overwhelmingness of life.  

Dream #5

A little more than a year ago I shared with you four of my dreams for my life for my near and not so near future: to be a farmer, to live in or start a Christian intentional community, to open a socially conscious, environmentally friendly coffee shop, and to be a writer.  When I finished writing about my fourth dream, I thought I was done, but then I realized there was one more dream I had than needed to be put in writing.  I wrote most of this following post a year ago, but I left it sitting in the “blog” folder on my computer.  There were a few reasons why I chose not to post it on my blog a year ago.  I think the biggest reason why I didn’t post it was fear: fear that it wouldn’t happen and at the same time fear that it would happen. 

But now I’d like to share this dream with you. 

In their own ways, my other four dreams are radical, extraordinary, romantic, and idealistic.  This dream on the other hand is more realistic, less grandiose, and much closer to actually happening.  At times I don’t really see it as a dream- perhaps because I’ve already been partially living out this dream and I’m already doing what I can to make it a reality.

The dream: To work as a director of social ministry at my church: educating the congregation about injustice in the world, connecting our faith and Scripture to that injustice and the need to do something about it, and then encouraging and enabling the congregation to DO something to address injustice in our community and our world.

Where this dream came from:  Well, it all started with a little bit of a crazy idea I had about two and a half ago to ask my pastor to do an internship at my church.  One of the requirements of my graduate program was to do an internship and so I was looking around at different organizations working for justice.  But it ultimately dawned on me that it made a lot of sense for a few big reasons to do my internship at my church.  So I asked my pastor and he said “yes”.  During my internship I did a variety of things to educate the congregation about injustice in the world and then to encourage and help people to do something to address the injustice in the world.  During my internship I often had the feeling that I was doing exactly I was called to do.  I was challenged by and loved the work I was doing.  My internship came to an end in May of 2011, but I wasn’t ready to stop doing the work I was doing and there were others at my church who weren’t ready for me to stop doing the work I was doing. 

So I approached my pastor with another little bit of a crazy idea: to hire me to continue to do the type of work I was doing.  Unfortunately for my church (and for many other nonprofit organizations out there these days), there is work to be done but insufficient funds to pay people to do that work.  So I started working on applications for grant funding and this whole process took far too long.  Last fall I started back up teaching a Sunday morning adult Bible study on social issues, and I have been able to some other work related to social ministry on a voluntary basis.  But I haven’t been able to dedicate the time and energy I would have liked since I have been working quite a few hours at Feed My Starving Children as well.

I worked on writing and applying for three grants that would allow my church to formalize and expand our social ministry program.  Two foundations denied our grant requests and one foundation denied our request but suggested we re-write the grant proposal and re-apply.  So we did…and in the process I got to practice being very patient.  Finally we got word that this third foundation, Thrivent Financial for Lutheran Foundation approved our grant request for my church’s social ministry program!!!

This means a couple of things.  It means that my church is going to have a Social Ministry Program- this means formalizing and expanding ministries we have already been involved with but also creating new ways for the congregation to learn about congregation is going to have more opportunities to put their faith in action (I sure hope they are ready for this!).

It also means that I will be working full-time at my church.  I will continue in my role as the Communications Coordinator and this role is expanding some, but I will also be taking on the responsibilities of leading and coordinating the Social Ministry Program.

I am so excited to see all that God will do through me and my church.

So after a lot of waiting, a lot of patience, and a lot of prayer dream #5 is a reality.

Spiritual Exercises: Conclusion

The five essays I wrote for the class on the Spiritual Exercises ends in a weird place.  There is a sort of conclusion to the Spiritual Exercises, but there really isn’t any end to a spiritual journey.  Surely there is a better place to end than where I ended with my fifth essay.  So, this final installment is an attempt to sum everything up and figure out where to go from here.  I intended to post this shortly after I posted my fifth essay, but I felt like I needed more time to figure things out, to figure out the conclusion to where I am in my spiritual journey, to figure out how to neatly categorize and communicate my spiritual journey. 

But more and more I’m realizing that I will never be able to write about my spiritual journey in a neat, organized, and complete way.  It will always be a work in progress, it will always be extremely messy.

So here is as much of a conclusion to my essays on the Spiritual Exercises as I can offer.

At the time I finished writing these essays I felt like I was on the verge of something, something big, or something that would challenge me, or ask me to do something radically different in my life.  Since this time, I have felt this feeling a few other times.  Each time I feel like I am preparing to “rename” something in my self or in my life.  But I haven’t quite gotten to that point of the actual renaming or making a change.

I’m not sure if it is me backing away or not allowing myself to get to that change.  Or maybe God keeps bringing me close, then sees that I’m not ready and brings me away.  Or maybe God brings me close and then sees that the world isn’t ready and brings me away.  It’s hard to tell.  And it’s frustrating.  It’s frustrating to be on the verge of something and not know what that something is and not know if I’m doing something wrong to not get to that something.

It’s like I’m trying to go over a bridge, a bridge with a steep incline.  I can feel that I’m almost to the crest of the bridge and I can see the other side, but there is something stopping me from rolling forward over that crest.  And then I start rolling backward.  And then at some point I am able to start getting moving forward toward the crest and then the resistance is too great and I stop moving and then start moving backward.  

I don’t know what exactly it is that God is calling me to, but I do know in general it is a Christ-centered life, the ultimate destination for a Christian spiritual journey (well, at least the ultimate destination here on earth).  A Christ-centered life is a life completely focused on and centered on serving Jesus.

I’d like to say that I’m doing everything I can to overcome whatever it is that’s stopping me from getting over the crest of that bridge to a Christ-centered.  But I can’t honestly say that this is the truth.  There’s something stopping me, and I like I said this makes me frustrated, but the fact that there’s something stopping me leaves me being able to stay in a place where I am comfortable and don’t have to take on or do or become something that will challenge me and my faith.

But at this point it seems that all I can do is listen really hard, wait, and try to get myself ready to take on whatever it is that is that something that God is calling me to.  This in itself is a challenge, and it’s a challenge that I’m realizing I will have throughout my life.  I’m not sure that there will ever be a time when I am perfectly living the life God has called me to live- there will always be something more, something better, something bigger than myself. 

For now I’m just working on taking baby steps towards whatever it is that God is calling me to, and really these baby steps are enough- enough to keep me busy and challenged, and enough to keep me wanting to keep taking more baby steps.

Like I never left

It's almost like I never left El Salvador even though many things have changed in the year since I was last here.  I've seen many familiar faces and gone to many familiar places.  Even after going to museums and historical places I've been to four or five times before, I still learn new pieces of information and gain new insights.  The familiar faces are a year older (this is especially evident in the kids) some people have moved on to new places, some new faces have appeared, and I have seen more and less of others.

I'm going home tomorrow, but here's a bit of a recap of the trip.

I was here with 9 other Americans- my friend Julie's family and friends of Julie and Adam (Julie's husband).  Some have been here before and some were here for the first time.  Six of them went home this morning already.

I missed out on the first day of activities with the group because my flight from Chicago to Houston was canceled and they couldn't fit e on a flight that would get me into Houston before my flight to San Salvador left.  Our days have been jam packed with learning and going all over San Salvador and even outside the capital a couple of times.

And then there was the wedding!  Julie and Adam's second wedding ceremony on Sunday was a great second wedding ceremony.  Everything went pretty smoothly and there were about 400 people (more that 2.5 times as many people as were at their American wedding!).  Julie has been coming to El Salvador for 10 years now and she's pretty famous in the Lutheran community here, so they all wanted to celebrate her wedding.  The ceremony wasn't too different from a traditional American wedding, just significantly longer.

As we have been going to visit different places I have gotten even more excited for my next trip in a few weeks.  I can't wait for the people from my church who are coming to meet the people here, to experience what life is like here (to the extent we can), to learn about the history of the country, to witness the faith and hope of the Salvadorans.  I keep noticing things that I know certain members of the group will connect with or will enjoy.  I keep saying I'm excited and it's true, but I wish I had a better word to describe how I can't wait to come back to El Salvador in a couple of weeks with my church group!

This Morning...

I woke up this morning and it hit me that I’m going to be in El Salvador TOMORROW!

And “excited” doesn’t even come close to capturing how I feel about this fact.

The past two summers when I have gone to El Salvador I have had plenty of time to think about going and get ready to go, but this year life has been too busy to have time to reflect or think about what I’m about to do.

But realizing that I’m getting on a plane tomorrow has compelled me to stop and think about it.  I wish you could see the huge smile that has formed on my face numerous times over the past few minutes every time I have thought about going to El Salvador TOMORROW.

I’ll only be in El Salvador for 5 days, which is far too short a time, BUT the good news is that I come home for two weeks and then I get to go back to El Salvador for a 9 day mission trip with folks from my church!  The main reason I’m going to El Salvador TOMORROW is for my friends Julie and Adam’s second wedding ceremony.  They just got married this past Saturday in the Quad Cities and now they are going to have a second wedding ceremony in El Salvador to celebrate with friends there.  I’ll also do some planning for my church mission trip while I’m down there this time.

My suitcase is mostly packed- after going to El Salvador four times packing to go has become a pretty easy task.  I just have a few more things to add…

I’ll do my best to give you some updates while I’m in El Salvador.  Please pray for me- for safe travels and for a meaningful trip.

It's been a year...

It’s been a rare occasion to get on Facebook lately and not see graduation photos.  I love to see the pictures of friends and family celebrating the completion of their studies.  And it hit me a couple of weeks ago: it has been a year since I graduated with my master’s degree. 

A year. 

On the one hand this realization that it’s been a year was “Really?!?  It’s only been a year?  Look at all that I did and all that happened in the past year!”

And on the other hand the realization was “It’s already been a year?!?  Where did the time go?!?”

Anyway I look at it this past year has been pretty amazing and filled with blessings.

In the past year…

• I spent a month in El Salvador
• I was a part of many hours of dirt and sweat working in the community garden at my church that led to over 900 pounds of veggies being donated to food pantries
• I have been a part of an amazing group of young adults from my church who have met weekly for Bible study, food, and fellowship.  I have seen this group grow, I have formed relationships with some incredible people through this group, I have grown in my faith, and I have been inspired and motivated by the energy and passion of this group.
• I turned 25: life in itself is of course an incredible blessing
• I got a job at Feed My Starving Children: I have worked with some incredible co-workers, seen millions of meals in our warehouse go out across the globe to children in need of food, and worked with thousands of passionate, fun, and energetic volunteers.
• I went sky diving!
• I have been a small part of the planning of my very good friend’s wedding
• I taught a weekly Bible study on various social issues (human trafficking, hunger, refugees, criminal justice, economic justice, war and peace, politics) to a remarkable group of people at my church
• I started working as the Communications Coordinator at my church
• I met Anne Lamott (one of my favorite authors) and decided I’m going to be a writer
• I found a great group of people from my church to travel with me to El Salvador
• I bought a new car
• I celebrated my sister’s graduation from college

These are just some of the big, exciting things that happened in the past year- there have been so many other wonderful small and big events and moments.  A year ago, I had no idea what the next year would bring.  Of course not everything went as I would have liked or as I imagined, but this kept me on my toes.

This past year has been pretty great, but I’m even more excited to see where God takes me over the next year.  There are things brewing and in the works and I’m so eager to see what will come and what God will do.

I’m eager for more…more life, more blessings, more work, and more challenges. 

So here’s to the next year!

Spiritual Exercises: Part 5

 Like the previous essay, this essay is a reflection on the third week of the Spiritual Exercises, the part of the faith journey when a person meditates on the ultimate expression of God’s love and at the same time the ultimate expression of suffering: Christ’s last supper, passion, and death.  This essay takes it a step further and deeper, rather than writing about struggle, in this essay I write about suffering.

This is the final essay I wrote for my class on the Spiritual Exercises, and it is by far the most personal, the most emotional, and the one that I struggled most to write (and even now it’s the one that is the most difficult for me to read).  I debated for a while if I really wanted to post this, but I decided to post it because this was and remains a fundamental part of my spiritual journey.  Without this, my spiritual journey is incomplete.

I do not think that I can honestly say that I have experienced suffering in my own life.  I have lived a very comfortable life and I have been provided with everything I needed and most of the things I wanted.  By no means has my life been perfect or without difficulties, loss, heartbreaks, and pain, but to say that I have suffered would be a lie and would diminish the true meaning of the word suffering.

           

While I have not experienced suffering of my own, I have been with people who have truly suffered.  The Salvadorans I spent time with understand and have experienced extreme suffering.  Many of them have lived through a brutal civil war and all of them are living in the aftermath of this civil war.  Some have survived torture, all of them have had at least one close family member or friend killed in violence, and they all live through the daily structural violence of poverty.  I listened to their stories of past suffering, I saw with my own eyes their current suffering, and I prayed with them that God would bless them with a future of less suffering.  In a very small way I entered into the suffering that my Salvadoran friends have experienced.  My heart broke and my brain frantically struggled to make sense of the suffering all around me.  Yet, I did not suffer despite the suffering all around me. 

           

In my time in El Salvador, I experienced a greater sense of the presence of Jesus.  I think this is in part because I came to better understand the suffering of Jesus through understanding the suffering of my Salvadoran friends.  I have always identified with the risen Christ and I think as a society most Americans tend to identify more with the risen Christ than with the suffering Christ being crucified.  However, many of my Salvadoran friends can easily identify with the suffering, crucified Jesus because they have experienced very similar suffering.  They can relate to the suffering Jesus experienced on the cross and I was able to relate in a small way to the suffering the Salvadorans experienced and thus I was a little bit better able to relate to the suffering of Jesus.  In joining in the suffering of my Salvadoran friends just a little bit, I joined in the suffering of Jesus just a little bit.  The suffering Jesus experienced on the cross is obviously a vital part of Jesus and through joining in this suffering I am closer to Jesus.

           

I do not believe that suffering is something that a person can truly understand unless one experiences it.  I will probably never be able to comprehend or imagine the suffering that my Salvadoran friends have experienced nor will I be able to understand the suffering of Christ.  However, I do believe that the time I spent with Salvadorans helped me to better understand and experience to some extent the suffering of the world as well as the suffering that Christ experienced on the cross.    

           

Yet, I have not suffered and I have been grappling with the question of why it is that I have not suffered.  I think part of the reason is that my parents and others have been protecting me and shielding me from suffering for most of my life.  This is something I am very grateful for and it something that all people deserve as they are growing up.  However, I have at times resented this protection from the suffering of the world.  It has made me feel guilty for having the safety and peace that millions do not have.  More and more I am coming to realize that it is now my own responsibility that I have not suffered.  I have felt that I have fallen short of being a true Christian because I have not answered the call to join Christ in suffering with him and with the people of the world. 

           

I cannot really express why it is, but I long to be with my Salvadoran friends and to join in their suffering. I think this is evidence of the grace of the Third Week starting to be granted in my life.  Even though there is not a whole lot I can do to alleviate the suffering of my Salvadoran friends, I want to share their burdens as much as possible.  It seems that I have the desire to suffer with my Salvadoran friends, but I do not yet have the courage or strength to suffer with them.

The issue of suffering is probably the issue that challenges my faith the most. I don’t know how to further my understanding or resolve the issue.  If anyone has any insights to share, please do.  This essay was the last of the essays I wrote for my class, but this isn’t the end of my spiritual journey, so I’m working on a post to sum all this up.