Apologizing

On Thursday, we went to the little town of El Mozote.  This was the third time I visited this little community up in the mountains of the north eastern part of El Salvador.  In 1981, about 1,000 men, women, and children were massacred in El Mozote by the Salvadoran army.  See my post from last summer about El Mozote for some more details about the community and the massacre there.  

 

Every time I have been to El Mozote it has amazed me just how far away and remote El Mozote is.  It took us about four and a half hours to get there.  I can only imagine how difficult it was for the Salvadoran army to get there 30 years ago when the roads weren´t as good as they are now- they really had to go out of their way to commit that massacre.  It just boggles my mind that people can do such horrific things to other people.

 

While we were at El Mozote we also went to visit the Revolutionary Museum which is another little town pretty close to El Mozote.  The museum tells the history of what led up to the Salvadoran civil war, explains how the guerrilla forces fought during the war, and helps visitors get a better idea of what life was like for the fighters as well as the general population during the war.  At the museum there is a 500 pound bomb that didn´t explode when it was dropped.  There is a sign by the bomb that says it was made in the US.  Our tour guide at the museum, a very nice old man, was telling us about the bomb and pointed out that it was made in the US.  As he was telling us about the bomb, I felt like I really needed to apologize to him for that bomb that my country made and allowed to be dropped.  Thank God that this particular bomb didn´t explode, but there were probably thousands of other bombs like that one that did explode and killed, destroyed, injured, and devastated.  As a citizen of the US, I felt guilty standing there looking at that bomb and thinking about all the other bombs that were dropped during the civil war.  I felt responsible even though I wasn´t even alive when the bomb was dropped.  I wanted to apologize for the fact that my county didn´t do anything to stop the Salvadoran army from massacring thousands of innocent people.  I wanted to apologize because my country made money off the sale of bombs like that one and so many other weapons.  I wanted to apologize for the military training given to Salvadoran army battalions that went on to commit countless human rights violations.  I wanted to apologize to this old man for all that he suffered through- for his personal loss and suffering but also I wanted to apologize for what my country allowed to happen to all the people of El Salvador.

 

But I didn´t apologize to the museum guide.  I was pretty sure that that would have been an awkward conversation and I´m not sure that it would have accomplished anything.  I had no power to change what was already done years ago.  But I keep thinking that maybe I should have apologized for that bomb and everything else.

 

It makes me question a lot of things- Am I even capable of apologizing for something that my country did when I wasn´t even alive?  Isn´t it about time that the US made some sort of an official apology for all the thousands of innocent Salvadorans that were killed during the war with the support of the US? 

 

I have been thinking about my inability to apologize for what happened at El Mozote and all over El Salvador during the civil war.  If I can´t really apologize for my country´s role in this, what else am I unable to apologize for?  And what 20 or 30 years from now will I wish I could apologize for and won´t be to?  For our war in Iraq?  Our war in Afghanistan?  Will I want to apologize to the people of Mexico and Central America for our harmful free trade agreements?  Will I want to apologize to the people of the world for our immigration policy?

 

I can´t can´t change what happened in El Salvador with the support of my country during the 1980s.  But today I do have the ability to influence what my country does.  I by myself cannot stop our country from doing things that harm the most vulnerable around the world, but with my voice along with others who believe we should be acting in ways we don´t have to apologize for, perhaps we can create a world where there is less suffering and more justice.

 

I still feel guilty for that bomb though.  I guess the only thing I can really do is to try to turn that guilt into something productive to prevent things from happening that have to be apologized for.

Chaletanango!

I really wish I could upload some pictures to show you, but for some reason, the computer doesn't want to recognize my camera so I can´t.  We´ve been very busy going all over the country- based on everything I´ve done so far, it´s hard to believe I´ve only been here a week!  I´m pretty behind in blogging about what I´ve been doing- sorry.  Here´s a little bit about last weekend...

Last weekend, I got to go to the northern department of Chaletenango to visit the town where my friend Marisol lives.  I hadn´t been to this part of El Salvador so I was very exctied to go and I was excited to see where Marisol lives.  She is a university student studying at the national university here in the capital city, and she stays at the Casa Concordia (where I´m staying) while school is in session.

It took quite the adventure to get there- a taxi ride, a long bus ride, a walk, and then another bus ride.  Before our final bus ride we stopped at a grocery store to get some food for our stay because there aren´t any good sized stores by her house.  Marisol lives in a very rural mountain town and it is so beautiful!

Marisol's house

The view from the back yard

Marisol's front porch 

Marisol only goes to her house on some weekends and during school vacations because it takes so long to get there.  She hadn´t been there for a month, so things were a little dirty, but she cleaned things right up.  Her house is simple- two main rooms, a little room for her bedroom, a front and back porch.  The two main rooms are where her brothers sleep and also function as the family room, computer room, and kitchen.  She cooks and eats on the back porch area.  They have running water, but sometimes it doesn´t run and sometimes it runs dirty.  They have a shower when the water runs, but they have a non-flushing toilet, but it is the nicest non-flushing toilet I have ever used- squishy toilet seat included.

The nicest non-flushing toilet in the world

I felt like I was at a tucked away jungle resort retreat house- it felt so calm, quiet, and isolated. There were neighbors pretty close by but you could see or hear them through the trees.  After we were at Marisol´s house for a while, we went down to the river to bathe because the water wasn´t running at her house and we were hot, sweaty, and dirty after our journey.  We wore shorts, t-shirts, and flip flops down to the river.  We left our flip flops on the bank of the river and slowly waded into the cool and quickly flowing river.  Eventually I followed Marisol to the far side of the river by swimming through the quick current in the middle of the river.  We got all wet, shampooed our hair, soaped away our dirtiness, and washed our faces.  We stayed in the refreshing water for some time talking about real and mythical water creatures that may or may not have been in the river.

The river is where many people in town bathe and do their laundry- especially before there was running water and when the water doesn´t run.  We eventually got out of the river and went back to Marisol´s house.  We changed into dry clothes and then walked around a little to see the town.  The town is made up of a few dozen house from what I could tell- all set back into the trees of the mountain.

There is a new store in town that sells snacks and some basic food items.  There is a beautiful view of the mountains, valley, and the river from the store.  W bought some chips and Marisol chatted with the owner of the store while we ate.  Th store owner was wanting to hire someone to work at his store and make some pupusas and other simple food to sell.  Marisol told him that I am looking for a job and that I can cook, and so the store owner offered me the job.  So if all else fails with my job search, I can always live at Marisol´s house and work at the little store.  It might actually be very nice working and living in the little mountain town.  Everyone I met there was so very friendly (as pretty much every Salvadoran in).

The little store

The next morning, Sunday, we went to the Lutheran church in town.  It was a very nice service led by a pastor from Germany.  The most exciting part of the worship service was that this was the first time that I have had the opportunity to worship with bats.  I´ve worshiped with dogs, cats, chickens, bugs, and of course people, but never bats.  The bats flew around a little bit, but most hung from the celing or wall.

The church

Look closely- you can see two bats hanging in the middle of the picture

The only not so wonderful part of my stay at Marisol´s house was that a couple of bats had moved in while Marisol was away from her house.  The bats left when we came that afternoon, but they returned at night.  It was good because they ate the mosquitoes, but it was a little bit scary having them fly around while I was sleeping. 

Coffee and Tourism!

My friend Julie Laven who is here with me is blogging about our adventures. Thus far she is doing a much better job at writing about all we are doing, so you may want to check out her blog for some more details about what we are up to. You can check out her blog here.

Today we went to the little town of Jayaque. I had been there last year for a little bit for a celebration and march at the Lutheran church that is there. We went today mostly to see if we could find some coffee farms and learn more about coffee growing. I wanted to start investigating how I could potentially get coffee from farmers here in El Salvador to serve at a coffee shop I want to start back home in the suburbs. We looked in the El Salvador travel book for places that grow coffee and Jayaque seemed to be the best option because it said it had coffee tours and it was the closest of all the places in the book. It took us about an hour and a half to get there (with Cesar driving we got home in less than an hour). We stopped by a little museum and found the most wonderful tour guide, Henry. He is studying tourism at the national university and lives and works in the city of Jayaque. Henry showed us around the little museum and then took us to an old coffee plantation. We went up to the top of the mountain near the town and had some beautiful views! We had lunch at a nice restaurant that is also a coffee plantation. We stopped by an artist place that makes things out of used wood, metal, and cardboard. They had some pretty cool things in there. Then we stopped by a bakery and bought some cupcake things. Henry spent most of the morning and afternoon with us showing us around and explaining things to us. He was so knowledgeable and really understood the concept of tourism. If there are a few more people like Henry in El Salvador, tourism really has a chance to take off. There are so many cool places and things in El Salvador, but you really need someone like Henry who knows about the places and things to show you around.

It´s not coffee season, so nothing much was happening in the way of growing or harvesting coffee, but we did get to see some plantations and got a general idea of what the harvesting process is like. I still have SO much to learn about coffee and coffee growing, but I think I got a really good start today. And I think that Jayaque was the perfect place to go.

Don´t Go Chasing Waterfalls

There´s a song by the musical group TLC about waterfalls. I thought about that song on Friday as we were going to see a waterfall near the town of Suchitoto. I had no idea that going to see the waterfall would be as treacherous as it was. The song by TLC isn´t really about actual waterfalls but in the song they sing ¨Don´t go chasing waterfalls, Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you´re used to.¨

We went down a little path that was rocky but not too bad, then we got to the really dangerous part. The area was tree covered and mostly shady which made the heat a little bit more bearable Then to see the waterfall, we had to climb down some slippery, large, oddly, shaped rocks. Julie was the most worried but I think we were all a little worried about slipping and falling down the rocks to our death. And this was where I thought the TLC song was right, that we shouldn´t go chasing that waterfall, something really cool and incredible and that we didn´t know about and weren´t sure was safe. However, the Salvadorans we were with quite easily climbed down the rocks and then helped us scared and slightly helpless ladies and they reassured us. Although when Julie asked where the closest hospital was, the answer (more than an hour away) was not very reassuring.

This is what we had to climb down!

But we made down to a good place where we could see the waterfall. I was hot, sweaty, stinky, and dirty,but the waterfall was beautiful. The rock formation was unlike anything I had ever seen, and the water cascaded down. We took some pictures and enjoyed the beauty of the waterfall.

And it was then that I thought that maybe th TLC song was wrong. We should go chasing waterfalls, especially when you have people to support you in finding and getting to those waterfalls. If it hadn´t been for the Salvadorans I wouldn´t have even known the waterfall was where it was and without their physical help and their encouragement, I would have stayed at the top where I couldn´t really see the waterfall. Sticking to something you know, something you´re comfortable with won´t get you anywhere in life. Chasing waterfalls on your own can be dangerous, but with the support and help of other people, chasing waterfalls is something we should and must do. I´m going to tryreally hard while I´m in El Salvador and when I get home too, to chase the waterfalls in life, to seek out those things that are amazing, but might be out of my comfort zone.

A Little like home

I made it to El Salvador safe and sound. In Houston, I met up with Julie from Minnesota (this Julie is Julie L.). We hung around the airport for a couple of hours.

I was a little bit worried in Houston that we wouldn´t make it. We got on the plane at the time we were supposed to but then we waited forever. First we had to wait for some people from a delayed connecting flight. Then we had to wait for them to get all the luggage they could legally get on the plane (that´s about the exact words of the pilot). This made me worried for two reasons. One reason being that I was afraid that my checked bag wouldn´t get on the plane and it would get lost forever. The second reason this made me worried was that this mean While we were sitting there in the plane waiting for the passengers and the loading of the luggage, it got VERY hot on the plane. It was about 100 degrees outside in Houston and the plane´s poor little air conditioning system just could´t keep up. Eventually after waiting more than an hour on the plane we taxied for what seemed like miles and the took off. I sat next to Julie L. and a very nice lady, originally from El Salvador, who was going to a wedding. It took quite a while for the plane to cool down, but it eventually got to be a tolerable temperature.

It took forever to get through immigration and customs, but thankfully all our bags had made it onto the plane and they let us leave the airport with no issues. The other Julie (Julie R.) has been in El Salvador a couple of weeks already and was outside the airport waiting for us with a bunch of Salvadorans. We came back to the Lutheran Guest House in San Salvador where I´ll be staying for most of the time I´m here. It has been SO wonderful to see familiar faces and to be genuinely welcomed back. Feels a little like home.

So, what exactly is peace?

I’m not yet finished blogging about my dreams for what I’m going to so with the rest of my life, but I’m going to take a break from that blog series and start a new one.  Most of my blog posts over the next month will be about what I’m doing, experiencing, and thinking in El Salvador, but I wanted to start this new series now and hopefully post at least a couple posts on this series.  (I kind of like the idea of doing different themed series of blog posts- maybe I’ll keep thinking of new series, maybe I’ll even take requests.)

In this blog I’ve been writing about my search for peace, but I realized the other day that I never really defined what exactly I mean by “peace.”  So, I thought I should write a blog post about what I mean by “peace.”  But then I realized that I don’t really know exactly what I mean by “peace.”  Well, I think I know what I mean, but I can’t really explain or express what I mean. 

As the whole idea of coming up with a definition of peace was running around in my mind, I was reading the book Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Prophet, Martyr, Spy by Eric Metaxas.  See my post from yesterday about the book and the man.  

In the book, there is a quote from Bonheoffer about peace which made me think that it would be a good idea to take a look at how other people have defined peace and while doing so I’ll try to put into words what I think I mean by “peace.”

At a conference in 1934, Bonhoeffer gave a speech about the role of the church in working for peace.  Here’s part of that speech:

“There is no way to peace along the way of safety.  For peace must be dared, it is itself the great venture and can never be safe.  Peace is the opposite of security.  To demand guarantees is to want to protect oneself.  Peace means giving oneself completely to God’s commandment, wanting no security, but in faith and obedience laying the destiny of the nations in the hand of Almighty God, not trying to direct it for selfish purposes.  Battles are won, not with weapons, but with God.  They are won when the way leads to the cross.” 

The last words of Bonhoeffer’s speech that night were “What are we waiting for?  The time is late.”

I don’t even really know how to respond to these words from Bonhoeffer- his words are filled with so much truth and would challenge just about anyone.

Here’s what strikes me about Bonhoeffer’s words:

• Peace is something to be dared: working for peace is a risky business that requires surrendering safety and security.  It’s not a given that peace will just happen, peace is something that we must dare to pursue.
• Peace is possible only by giving oneself completely to God’s commandment (I’m not completely sure what commandment Bonhoeffer is referring to here…anyone have any guesses?)
• Peace will never be obtained with weapons or violence.  Only with and through God will true peace ever come about.
• There was a great sense of urgency for Bonhoeffer.  Surely the historical moment of the impending crisis in Germany brought about that sense of urgency, but Bonhoeffer had an incredible grasp of the necessity to work to bring about the Kingdom of God today.  For Bonhoeffer and for us today there is absolutely no reason to wait one second to begin and continue working for peace.  We have already waited far too long.

It’s hard to say if Bonhoeffer had any idea that more than 10 years after speaking these words he would forgo his own safety and security for peace.  In his work for peace, Bonhoeffer didn’t think about his own safety or security, but rather through faith he gave his life and fully obeyed God.  Even though Bonhoeffer was killed in a concentration camp and didn’t really achieve what he set out to do, I would argue that Bonhoeffer did find peace for himself and brought about more peace in the world.  He was completely in tune with God’s will and his journey for peace continually pointed toward and ended at the cross.

The world and situation we live in today is different from the world Bonhoeffer lived in.  However, that’s not to say that we can’t learn a lot from him, his life, and his words.

Bonhoeffer’s words make me ask a few questions of myself in my own search for peace: Am I truly willing to accept that my own safety and security are not the priority when it comes to working for peace?  Can if completely commit myself to God’s commandment and through faith put everything in God’s hands?  How can I move past wanting guarantees of my safety and guarantees that everything will work out how I think it should?  How can I ensure that my search for peace is not for selfish reasons?  What does it mean for me that battles of peace are won when the way leads to the cross?  What am I waiting for?

My new favorite theologian.

This may surprise some of you, it even surprised me a little, but I have a new favorite theologian.  Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

I’ve known about Bonhoeffer for a few years and I even saw a play about him and read a collection of some of his letters.  I highly respected the man but didn’t know a whole lot about him, his life, and his theology beyond the basic details.  However, I just finished reading a most wonderful book about Bonhoeffer: Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Prophet, Martyr, Spy by Eric Metaxas.  And now I want to read everything ever written by or about Bonhoeffer and he’s my new favorite theologian. 

This book is the perfect combination of biography, history, theology, spirituality, church drama, friendship, love story, and tragedy.  The book is a whopping 542 pages long (not including the notes and index), but it was 542 pages of fascinating and compelling information.  It’s not at all “dry” as many biographies can be.  Eric Metaxas did a great job writing this book, but with a person as interesting, inspiring, and incredible as Bonhoeffer, I think it would have been difficult to write a bad book about Bonhoeffer.

You really should read this book or at least look at the Wikipedia page about Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

But here are some brief words about Bonhoeffer that I know won’t adequately describe the man and his life, but here it goes:

Born in 1906 in Germany, Bonhoeffer knew from a young age that he wanted to study theology.  Bonhoeffer excelled in his studies and was a prolific writer throughout his life.  He became a Lutheran pastor as soon as he was old enough to do so.  He spent time in Spain and London as a pastor to German people living there.  He studied for a year at Union Theological Seminary in New York.  Spent time as a pastor in Germany, led and taught at a seminary that was illegal back in Germany, worked closely with ecumenical leaders from Europe and the US, worked as a spy, and became involved in a conspiracy to kill Adolf Hitler.  Throughout the 1930s, Bonhoeffer actively spoke out against Hitler and the Third Reich.  Furthermore, he encouraged the church to do the same and to stand up for those who did not have a voice under Hitler’s rule- the Jews, the sick, the disabled.  Eventually the Gestapo arrested Bonhoeffer and he spent 18 months in a prison in Berlin and spent the final months of his life imprisoned at concentration camps before he was executed for his involvement with the plots to kill Hitler.         

When things got bad in Germany in the 1930s Bonhoeffer was given the opportunity to live and work in the US where he would be safe, but he decided to return to Germany to be with his people, to work with others to end the atrocities led by Hitler, and to suffer the same fate of many of the Jews that he was trying to save.

Throughout his life, Bonhoeffer was fully in tune with God’s will.  His own safety and well-being meant little to him.  Bonhoeffer’s faith and devotion to God was incredibly strong (although, Bonhoeffer would probably have said that it was God’s devotion and love to him that made Bonhoeffer so strong).  Even while in prison, Bonhoeffer continued his daily Bible reading, prayer, and hymn singing.  He was always a source of comfort and strength for those around him.

I have been searching for a Lutheran leader/theologian to look up to- a Lutheran hero, and Bonhoeffer is definitely what I have been looking for.  Most of the Christian leaders and theologians that I looked up to are Catholic, which certainly isn’t a bad thing, but it’s nice to have someone from my own religious tradition to look to for inspiration and an example of how to live out life as a Christian.  It’s good to have this example of how one Lutheran lived his life and gave his life for community, peace, and justice. 

I’m so excited to read more of Bonhoeffer’s writings.  I think the thing that most impresses me about Bonhoeffer is that he loved the academic side of theology, but I doubt that he ever wrote or said anything about God, religion, or spirituality that he wasn’t fully prepared live out.  For Bonhoeffer, theology and Christianity are things to be acted out not just talked about.  We could really use more people like Bonhoeffer who are willing to be authentic Christians by taking a stand against injustice in the world.  We can all learn so much from people like Bonhoeffer along with so many others who have and continue to stand up to say that justice must prevail.