I hope I'm ready...

My awesome friend Julie and I leave TOMORROW for El Salvador.  I'm trying so very hard to get everything together and get my bags packed, but I thought I'd take a few minutes to let you know a little about my trip.  

When I left El Salvador last summer, I wasn't sure when I would be returning.  I didn't have any doubt in my mind that I would be returning, I don't think I will ever be able to stay away from my friends there for long.  For a long while, I thought I wouldn't go back until the summer, but then Julie came up with the idea to go during her spring break and she eventually talked me into it- without too much convincing. 

I am so blessed to be friends with Julie for a lot of reasons.  She first brought me to El Salvador and she has nurtured my interest and love of El Salvador.  It is so wonderful to have a friend who thinks about El Salvador all the time life I do.  Whenever we get together, our conversation eventually leads to El Salvador (if it isn't the main topic of conversation).  We both feel a pull that makes us want to go back to El Salvador.  I wrote about this in a previous post (it's one of my favorite posts that you should definitely read if you haven't).  There is "something" that I felt in El Salvador that I don't feel while I'm home.  It is a sense of being fully alive, full of hope, along with a sense of consolation.  When I came home in July this "something" lingered with me, but it has worn off.  Life since I got back from El Salvador last summer has been filled with so many wonderful days and opportunities (yet not without struggles and stress).  Despite life being good, I have gradually felt a greater and greater sense of emptiness, a sense of not being truly and fully alive.  I viscerally felt the need to return to El Salvador, to see the people that I miss so much and to once again be filled with that "something" that makes life seem so real and hopeful.  I long to feel that "something" that reassures me that God is present and to experience life in a clear and raw way that I just do not experience here at home.

So, I guess what I'm saying it that it shouldn't surprise me or you that I'm going back.  

Julie and I have a full week planned.  We get there Saturday evening and we leave the following Saturday morning.  It's going to be a little crazy trying to fit in everything we need/want to do while we are there.  We sketched out an itinerary and managed to fit stuff in.  However, I'm just positive that our itinerary will change once we get there, so I'm just going to tell you what we do after we do it and tell you where we go after we go.  It will be more exciting that way- you'll just have to anticipate my blog posts.  ;-)

What I can tell you for sure is that I am SO excited to see my Salvadoran friends, to spend the week with Julie, and to be in the warm and sunny weather.

Please keep Julie and I in your prayers next week.  Pray that we will be able to do the things we need and want to do and pray for our safety as we travel around.  I'll do my best to post every other day or so while I'm in El Salvador.    

Exciting El Salvador News...

I have some exciting El Salvador news...

You might remember me writing about the community of Colon that I visited many times this past summer. They have a flourishing church community led by Pastors Matias and Martina. For years they have been meeting in the yard of a church member because they do not yet have property or a church building in which to worship. They are lucky to have a roof to shelter them from the sun and rain, but they have been waiting and praying for more than 10 years to have a church they can worship in.

Here is where the congregation in Colon worships

Here's the exciting part: over $5,000 has been raised to buy the land and we are only about $1,000 short! While buying the land is just the first step, it is vital to have a good piece of land on which to build the church. The land that Pastor Matias has picked out is a great piece of land, and the landowner has agreed to sell it at a good price, but the landowner wants to sell the land asap (before the end of March).  

And here's my other bit of exciting El Salvador news: I'm going to be there from March 26-April 2 with my amazing friend Julie! If all goes according to plan we will be able to bring down a check to buy the land for the church in Colon. Now this is just a really selfish thing, but I think it would be so amazing for me to be there when Pastor Matias signs the papers for the church in Colon to buy that land. What could be cooler and what could be more evident of God's presence in the world than to see God's church growing in such a tangible way?

But this will only happen if there is enough money to buy the land. So, I ask YOU to join me in making a donation to help buy the land. Whatever you are able to contribute WILL bring us closer to buying the land!

Lord of Life Lutheran Church in Schaumburg has been raising money to buy land for the church in Colon. Please prayerfully consider making a donation to help buy the land in Colon. All money for the land should be sent in the form of a check made out to "Lord of Life" and put "El Salvador Land" on the memo line. Please send checks before March 15th to:

Lord of Life
Attn: Julie Roy
119 W. Wise Road
Schaumburg, IL 60193

The people who belong to the church congregation in Colon have already had an incredibly positive impact on their community. I can only begin to imagine how much more they will be able to do for the community when they have a building where they can welcome others in, gather for fellowship, and worship.

I keep thinking about the verse from Ephesians 3:20: God is "able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." God can do so much more than you or I can imagine, but God works through you and me in very concrete and practical ways. Join me in discerning how God can work through you.

Martin Luther King Jr. and El Salvador

The more I learn about Martin Luther King Jr., the more I find the man and his work incredibly inspiring.  In the years since his death, MLK's image and legacy has been watered-down to the point that we have almost lost who MLK really was.  For example, a mattress store has been running commercials on TV promoting their Martin Luther King Jr. Day Mattress Sale.  How absurd is it that MLK, an incredible peace-promoting, love-giving, and life-sacrificing man has been reduced to a reason for a mattress sale?!?  Remembering and celebrating the life of MLK warrants much more than a mattress sale.

So what does MLK have to do with El Salvador?  Quite a bit, I think.  MLK's life and teachings have helped me think about the injustice in El Salvador and what will have to be done by me and so many others to bring justice to the people of El Salvador (as well as many other countries of the world including the US).

Here are some excellent bits of teaching from MLK...

"We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the vitriolic words and actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence of the good people." -MLK

We tend to focus on the harmful words and actions of bad people (think terrorists, Tuscon, the criminals on the nightly news, etc.), but we forget about the silence of millions of people who stand idly by as injustice rules the world.  These silent bystanders may not be doing anything to actively make the world more unjust like those "bad people," but MLK tells us that their silence is just as horrific.  People may be silent because they do not know about injustice.  They may be silent because they think they do not know what words to use to speak up about injustice.  People may be silent because they believe their words will not make a difference.  People may be silent because they are afraid of what might happen if they break their silence.  For whatever reason people are silent about injustice, it is wrong.  Injustice continues in El Salvador in large part because of silence- the silence of Salvadorans AND the silence of Americans.  People in the US have access to information about injustice in El Salvador, we have the words to use, and we power to make a difference.  And thus we have the obligation to break the silence about injustice.       

"Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality." -MLK

Even though the people of El Salvador are thousands of miles away from me, the injustice they face daily indirectly affects me, just as the injustice faced by people all over the world indirectly affects me.   God created humanity and all of creation to be intricately connected and to be connected with God.  Even though it might be easy for me to ignore the needs of my brothers and sisters in El Salvador and around the world (out of sight, out of mind), I cannot because I have come to feel that connection.  I do not feel whole, I am not complete unless my friends in El Salvador are whole and complete.  Because of this interconnectedness, I need Salvadorans just as much as they need me.  I will never be completely who God created me to be until my Salvadoran friends are free to be who God created them to be.  We have a long way to go before we are who we are created to be, but we still have the obligation to work toward better relationships with our brothers and sisters around the world.   

"Life's most urgent question is: What are you doing for others?" -MLK

Pretty convicting.  Out of all the questions I often ask myself, this one is one that causes me to think deeply and then to feel guilt and shame.  It seems that no matter what I do I will never be able to do enough to bring justice to my friends in El Salvador.  The little that I have done for Salvadorans seems insignificant compared to the injustice they face.  There will always be more I could do, something more I can give, something else I could give up, more I could sacrifice.  Yet, I think (and hope) that MLK did not say this to make us feel guilty or inadequate, but rather I think he said this so that we could put our priorities in order, put things into perspective, and take steps in the right direction.  I don't have to "fix" the injustice in El Salvador, but I am required to do what I can for others.  I can visit my Salvadoran friends, I can continue to learn about their lives, struggles, and suffering, and I can educate others about the injustice in El Salvador.  I am required to do what I can and not what I can't.  But at the same time, I don't think it's unhealthy to question if I am called to do more for others and specifically if I am called to do more for Salvadorans. 

"If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live." -MLK

There have been many Salvadorans who were more than fit to live because they lived and died for things they were willing to sacrifice their life for.  I think of Archbishop Oscar Romero, the Jesuit priest martyrs at the University of Central America, the thousands of people who died during the civil war, the anti-mining activists who were assassinated, and Jorge who died for standing against the gang violence.  And this begs the question: have I discovered something that I will die for?  Have you discovered something you will die for?  I can't answer the question for you, but I think that I have found something that I am willing to die for: working for peace and justice in El Salvador.  However, I think finding that thing that I willing to die for and actually being willing to die for it are two different steps.   

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." -MLK

This quote again shows us the interconnectedness of the world.  If injustice prevails in just one small town for just one person, that injustice threatens to takeover where justice has been established.  I also think the reverse is true: Justice anywhere is a threat to injustice everywhere.  Wherever people are working to establish justice, injustice takes note.  I have this bizarre image of "injustice" cowering in the corner crying because it has just seen justice prevail.  There will not be justice everywhere until the Kingdom of God is once again established on earth, but there is still much we can do with God's help and guidance to bring about justice.   

“There was a time when the church was very powerful… In those days the church was not merely a thermometer that recorded the ideas and principles of popular opinion; it was the thermostat that transformed the mores of society.” -MLK

When MLK wrote this in his "Letter from Birmingham Jail," he was referring to the beginning centuries of the Christian church when the church and its leaders were daily making significant changes in the lives of individuals and of society in general.  Today many American churches have become "pansies" (as my friend Julie once said) that rarely challenge the status quo with any significant efforts.  While there are certainly exceptions to this statement, American Christian churches mostly serve as thermometers that record and reflect the values of popular society.  We (all Americans, but especially churches) must seek to be a thermostat that is set to "justice."  We must be thermostats that are programed to work for justice.

The Lutheran Church (and many other denominations) in El Salvador has been an excellent example of what it means for a church to be a thermostat that transforms society.  The Salvadoran Lutheran Church has always been an organization that stands up for the rights and the needs of those without a voice.  When the government and army were massacring innocent Salvadorans during the civil war, the Lutheran Church stood up for the victims and provided support for those fleeing the violence.  In a society marked by gang violence, the Lutheran Church stands for life.  The Salvadoran Lutheran Church daily acts as a thermostat that is working to transform the values of individuals and society.  Even when it's unpopular, the Church does and teaches what Jesus would have done and taught.  We can learn a lot from the Salvadoran Lutheran Church.   

Waiting...and finding Peace

I love Christmas time- the cookies, decorations, lights, candles, hot chocolate, snow, Christmas music, and being with family and friends.  But I also realize that my love for Christmas goes much deeper.  In part my deeper love for Christmas is for the love of the celebration of Jesus' birth, but it's also about the celebration of what Jesus' birth (and death and resurrection) means in my life and in the lives of people all around the world.

Even with all the distractions of life and Christmas, I think about El Salvador and my Salvadoran friends and acquaintances all the time.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of my Salvadoran friends and acquaintances.  Many of my thoughts are thoughts of concern: Are they ok?  What are they struggling with today?  What needs haven't been met this week?  When will the next emergency or crisis be?  

But I also think about signs of hope and a better future for the Salvadorans.  I usually have to challenge myself to think about the positives, but when I do the rewards are great.  When I really think about it I realize that there are so many reasons for hope.  There are so many reasons to have faith that things will get better.

Advent is the season of waiting, and I have been thinking a lot about waiting.  We are waiting for the birth of Jesus, but more than that, Advent reminds us that we are waiting for the better world that is to come.  One day we will all share in a feast where no one will go hungry and no one will be thirsty.  The sick will be healed.  The mourning will mourn no more.  The enslaved and oppressed will be free.  One day God's Reign will be present on the earth and there will be justice.  But until that day we are here to watch and work and wait. 

Salvadorans have had to become very good at waiting.  They waited for the war to end.  They waited (and continue to wait) for government leaders who will always keep the best interests of the people their first priority.  They wait for the corn and the beans to grow so they can feed their families.  They wait for family in the US to send money so they can afford food, shelter, and education for their children.  They wait for the day when they can ride a bus without fear.  They wait for the day when violence will no longer be a daily part of life.  The Salvadorans wait for the justice that will come with the Reign of God.

The Salvadorans wait and I wait with them...we all wait for that better world.

Thinking about the better world gives me an overwhelming sense of peace.  It comforts me to know that one day, perhaps it will be generations from now, Salvadorans (and all people around the world) will not suffer as they do.  

Even with this image of the possibilities of a better world, the sense of peace I feel does not leave me passive.  A better world will not come about just thinking about it and waiting.  We do need to wait but not idly.  When a family is expecting a baby, they don't just sit around for nine months and wait for the baby.  They prepare for the baby.  Likewise, we must anticipate that better world, we must prepare ourselves and our world for what is to come (but all the while recognizing that it is only though God's grace and love that the better world will come about).    

A greater sense of peace comes when I recognize the ways in which that better world is already present in our broken world.  Sometimes I (and perhaps you) need to slow down and intentionally look for that better world but it is here now.  I see it in the beauty of creation, in the innocence of children, in the thousands of people who are dedicated to non-profit work.  I see a better world in churches where the members are putting their faith into action to change the world.  I see the better world in my classmates who have dedicated their lives to working for justice, for that better world.  And I see the possibility of a better world in the eyes of friends who firmly believe in that better world and are dedicated to making it a reality.

I also find great peace in this season of Advent as we are awaiting the arrival (again) of Jesus.  There is peace in knowing that we have a God of peace and a savior of peace.  Even thought it may not always seem like it, the God of peace is present throughout the world, in every single person and part of Creation.  We just need to take the time to find Jesus in the world and when we do take that time we will also find peace.

When I started writing this blog post I hadn't planned to write about finding peace, but in reflection and writing this I have found peace.  It took me a long time to decide on a title for this blog (Searching for Peace), but I eventually chose that title because that title encompasses so much of what I have been doing and what I see myself doing for the rest of my life.  I find it difficult to continually search for peace, especially in a world that seems to be any but peaceful.  I often let my search stop, I sometimes feel like giving up the search, and sometimes I do give up.  But Christmas reminds me that I need to return to that search.  Christmas reminds me that the Prince of Peace (Jesus) has already graced the world with his presence and continues to be present.  Christmas reminds me that there is peace in the world and one day there will be complete and perfect peace...one day...  

I think that without realizing it my love for Christmas has been because of the sense of peace that comes with Christmas- the sense of peace that I have within as well as the peace that is already present in the world yet not fully evident or expressed.  This year when all the presents are unwrapped, the Christmas tree is put away, and only the "yucky" Christmas cookies are left, I'm going to try my hardest to remember the peace I feel and know now and I will continue to wait for and seek out that peace.     

May your season of Advent be filled with hope.  And may you find peace in knowing that a better world is possible and is present among us already.

Taking Steps in the Right Direction

My last post was about a sad anniversary and today's post is about another sad anniversary (sorry for the sadness- I'll try to write a really happy post next time, but no promises).  

Twenty-one years ago six Jesuit priests and two women were murdered by the Salvadoran army at the University of Central America (UCA) in San Salvador.  The priests were murdered because they spoke out against the violence being committed in El Salvador and the Salvadoran government/army did not like this.  Most of the violence was being committed by the Salvadoran state, but the Jesuits also spoke out against violence being committed by other groups like the guerrillas.  The Jesuits did not discriminate when speaking out against violence.  No matter who was doing it, these Jesuits declared violence was wrong.  For speaking out and being a voice for the victims of the violence, the Jesuit priests became victims of violence themselves.  See my post where I wrote about my visit to the University of Central America for more info.

Thousands of people are heading to Fort Benning, Georgia this weekend to protest the School of the Americas (aka the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation, WHINSEC).  The School of the Americas is a military training school that has trained many members of Latin American armed forces including the Salvadoran battalion that was responsible for the massacre of the Jesuits.  Many of the graduates of the school have gone on to commit grave human rights abuses.  The protest this weekend is the 20th annual non-violent protest which began on the first anniversary of the massacre of the Jesuits and the two women at the University of Central America.  Please keep the protestors in your thoughts and prayers this weekend as they march for peace and justice especially for the people of Latin America.  

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about what I am willing to do and what I am willing to give up for the things I believe in.  Reflecting on the massacre at the University of Central America (UCA) has given me further things to think about and challenge me.  The Jesuits at the UCA knew that speaking out against the violence in El Salvador put them in real danger, and yet they continued with their work.  They were willing to give up their safety and their lives in order to stand up for the poor and those who were suffering in El Salvador during the civil war.  So the question is: Am I willing to do what they did (speak out against the status quo and plead for peace, even when it's not the popular thing to do) and am I willing to give up what they did (their lives)?  I can probably say "yes" to the former and "I just don't know" to the latter.  It is obviously very difficult to say what I would do in their situation because I'm not in their situation and it is very difficult to try to imagine it.  Nevertheless, I can say that I firmly believe that there should be peace and justice in the world, but unless I'm willing to do whatever it takes and give up whatever it takes I'm not sure that I really believe what I say I believe.    

Even if I'm not quite ready or strong enough to say "absolutely, yes!" to following the example of the Jesuits at the UCA, their example and the example of so many other martyrs challenges me and gives me hope.  I can look at the lives of the Jesuit martyrs and see specific examples of what it means to be a Christian and to work for justice.  

In my post that I referred you to above, I wrote about one of my favorite theologians, Jon Sobrino.  One of the reasons why I love and admire Jon Sobrino so much is that even after his co-workers at the UCA were massacred, he continued on.  Jon was out of the country when his Jesuit brothers were murdered, but Jon went right back to El Salvador and picked up where they left off.  And he continues to this day to be a voice for the voiceless and to speak out against violence and injustice- no matter how much trouble it might get him in.  How many other people would continue to do the very same thing that got their friends killed?  I think Jon Sobrino is one of the few who takes his calling of working for justice so seriously. 

There are also so many other lives that I can emulate and learn from.  And it's not just "important" people like Jon Sobrino and the Jesuit martyrs- so many of my Salvadoran friends are just "regular" people and yet they are living their lives in a way that rejects violence and embraces peace.  I'm embarrassed to even begin to compare my easy, American suburban life with the way they live out their faith in radical ways even through incredible difficulties and suffering.  I am reassured to know there are people out there working for a just world and I am reassured and challenged to know that it is possible for me (a "regular" human being) to become a person who works for a just world, even through whatever struggles will come my way.        

Could I be as brave, courageous, faithful, and loving as these Salvadorans?  Highly doubtful.  Are there things in my life I can do to be a little bit more like Jon Sobrino, the Jesuit martyrs, my Salvadoran friends (and Jesus)?  Absolutely.  

So that's what I'll do.  Take steps in the right direction.  Isn't that all any of us can do?  

I came across this article by another amazing Jesuit, John Dear.  John offers some helpful thoughts on the Jesuit martyrs as well as how their death can help move forward us closer to a world of peace and justice.  Perhaps you might find it helpful as well.

Remembering and Mourning

A year ago today, my Salvadoran friend Jorge was murdered by a gang member.  My thoughts and prayers are with his family especially today and I ask that you join in praying.  Please pray for Jorge's family and for all the people around the world whose lives he touched.  As we remember Jorge and his death, keep other Salvadorans in your prayers who have lived through and continue to live through similar tragedies.  Pray for peace where there is violence, pray for love where there is hatred, and pray for healing where there are wounds.

Today is a sad day in many ways.  I mourn the loss of a loving and caring man who lived life to the fullest.  I grieve for Jorge's family who struggles in many ways to live without him.  I think of the many kids who Jorge treated and cared for as a father, even those who weren't his biologically.  I struggle to understand the loss of innocent life.  Beyond Jorge and his family, today has made me think more about the violence in El Salvador than I normally do.  I mourn the loss of the people who are killed everyday in El Salvador because of violence, the violence of gangs and the violence of poverty.

But I'm also trying very hard (yet not being very successful) to remember Jorge's life and the blessings he was given and the blessings he gave.  I'm trying to think about his life and his eternal life, and I'm trying to find the silver lining of this very dark cloud.  But no matter how hard I try to focus on life and blessings, the violent images of his death overtake my mind and weigh down my heart.    

I wanted to be able to spend the day thinking about the life and love of Jorge, yet the dark, violent images of his death have dominated my mind most of the day.  I’m not really sure why it is, but I have very vivid images of Jorge’s death.  I have heard multiple times the story of how he was killed and we drove past the spot where he was killed a few times when I was there this summer.  I guess the images have formed in my mind from hearing the story and being in the place.

Today, even when I was able to remember and cherish the good memories I have of Jorge, the trail of memories going through my mind always ended in the vivid image of his death.  The power of death and violence is strong and controlling- death and the violence of Jorge’s death have come to define the way I remember Jorge.  It seems even I, a person desperately searching for peace, cannot overcome the power of violence.  But that’s not the way I want it to be and that’s not the way that Jorge or anyone else would want Jorge to be remembered.  I’m not sure that it would be possible to separate the memory of Jorge from his death, and this isn’t something that we would want to do.  But I (and maybe others who are also mourning Jorge’s death on this day) need to think about the power I am giving to violence when I let violence define someone who graciously loved others and life.

In reality love is so much more powerful than anything else.  Just look at the ultimate expression of love: God sending God’s only son to die for the salvation of all.  This act of love has overcome a LOT of violence including Jorge’s death.  Even though I might know this intellectually, love just didn’t seem to be the force that dominated my thoughts and feelings today.  The good news is, God willing, I will have another day tomorrow to try to focus on love, life, and peace rather than violence.

More Grace

Since I wrote the post called Brokeness, Something, and Grace, I have become more and more convinced that the "something" I experienced in El Salvador is indeed grace.  Further reflection, reading some other great stuff, and a class I'm taking have helped me reach a fuller understanding of how it is that the "something" is grace.  And in general I've been doing a lot of thinking about grace (as all good Lutherans should do, right?), so I want to share more about all my thinking and experiencing of grace.

I'm reading a fantastic book by a brilliant man named Dean Brackley.  He is a Jesuit from the U.S. who took on the job of being the rector of the University of Central America (UCA) in El Salvador for 20 years after the previous rector of the university was massacred along with 5 other Jesuit priests and the two women back in 1989 (see my post about the UCA).  The book that I'm reading by Dean Brackley is called The Call to Discernment in Troubled Times and in this book Brackley writes about what it means to be a Christian through lived experiences (rather than just believing a certain doctrine).  Because of Brackley's time in El Salvador and his work among the poor previous to his work in El Salvador, the book focuses on how our interactions and relationships with the poor are especially relevant to helping us understand God's call.

Dean Brackley writes about a young Salvadoran woman, Marta, whose family had been forced to leave their community years before when the Salvadoran army came through.  One day, Marta, stopped by and Brackley invited her for a lunch of chicken.  The young woman gave thanks and then ate the meal.  When Brackley urged her to take a second helping, Marta refused saying that she should not get accustomed to what she could not have.  Brackley writes, "Marta had learned to steward her hunger.  She knew that eating a lot today only makes things worse tomorrow.  I was confused, then a little embarrassed, as the truth of Marta's life sank in.  Not that I should feel bad about eating.  Rather, it is appropriate to feel sorrow that Marta does not eat well- and moved to do something about that."  We should not be paralyzed by guilt because we have more than enough food (and water and clothing and shelter and all our other stuff) while there are millions of people like Marta who do not have enough.  We should not be paralyzed by guilt because of what we have done (directly and indirectly) to bring about the suffering of people like Marta.  It was through Brackley's interaction with Marta that he realizes "The grace-full acceptance by Marta and others like her of people like me places us before and acceptance more radical than their own.  It seems that God has chosen people like them as ambassadors of grace for people like me."

That was a lot of explaining to get to this point, but I think Brackley described the "something" just perfectly.  He experienced something very similar to what I experienced in El Salvador.  It was grace, a small taste of the grace of God.  

My Salvadoran friends, those I met in passing, and those who welcomed me into their homes accepted me just as I am.  There is absolutely no reason why the Salvadorans should have accepted me, welcomed me into their homes, and showed me such gracious hospitality.  If anything, there were far more reasons why the Salvadorans should have just continued on their way and ignored me rather than showering me with the love and hospitality they did.  For one, their hospitality cost them time, food, and money- all things that most Salvadorans don't have a lot to spare.  Second, I was a complete stranger (at least at the beginning) and they had no reason to trust me and no obligation to even take a second look at me.  Third, as an American I represent an entity that has created and intensified a number of things that have been very harmful for the Salvadorans.  The U.S. played a huge role in funding and providing weapons to the Salvadoran government during the civil war in which tens of thousands of Salvadoran were killed and far more were injured and otherwise detrimentally affected.  Today, the U.S. dominates the international trade system in which the average Salvadoran has practically no chance of making a fair wage much less a chance to get ahead.  Our immigration system and our war on drugs add more reasons why Salvadorans should not have embraced and accepted me.  Yet all these reasons and more did not deter the Salvadorans from showing me the grace through loving me and accepting me just as I am.

There are hundreds more reasons why God should not accept my sinful self, and yet God does and always will.  I think that because I experienced the grace of acceptance through the relationships with Salvadorans, I got a taste of what true acceptance feels like.  It is through the grace of God that God accepts me just as I am.  This taste of complete, unconditional acceptance and love from the Salvadorans helped me imagine just how much more I am completely and unconditionally accepted and loved by God.  That "something" that I felt in El Salvador was the grace of Salvadorans but even more it was the grace of God.  Now that I am starting to comprehend the grace I received from my Salvadoran friends, I have gotten a small taste of God's grace.  My brain can only begin to comprehend the fullness of God's grace- to be completely loved and accepted just as I was created not matter what I have done or will do.  And I do feel that grace through a sense of calm and peace.  

While I was in El Salvador and now, I have been trying to figure out how I can continue to feel that “something”, that grace that I felt so strongly while I was in El Salvador.  It has been difficult to continue to feel and recognize the grace of complete acceptance and love without my Salvadoran friends giving me that grace and acceptance they so graciously give.  However, I think now that I better understand what that “something” is and how it connects with God’s unconditional love and acceptance of me I can (maybe) learn to find that grace and acceptance within myself rather than depending on my Salvadoran friends to refresh my sense of God’s grace.  Perhaps part of taking that "something" with me from El Salvador is to give the grace I received to others around me.  I have received so much grace, and in giving that grace to others I can better appreciate the grace I have within myself (if I can give it out, then I will realize that I do indeed have grace in abundance).

But, as usual, such thoughts could not have come without more questions... Why is it that Salvadorans are so much more full of grace and willing to extend that grace than we Americans are?  Is God indeed sending God's grace to me through other people, and if so why did God choose to do it this way?  How does one continue to feel grace and then give out that grace to others?